Saturday, December 1, 2007

Looking backward


My proof that the day wasn't a total waste. My dad took me to Evergreen (a home and garden store) and, after much walking back and forth between the prelit trees, this is what we came home with. Fake trees are far more expensive than I thought they would be. James helped me fluff it, and I am sure well will fluff more because I see some bare spots in this picture.
I want to take a moment to thank you for your comments yesterday. I needed to do that...I fear the stigma... you wouldn't believe how it is sometimes. And I hate it. I hate that so many think of my wonderful, kind, generous to a fault, husband based upon that one moment. It is like living in a fish bowl. The hushiness in the neighborhood when I walk out the door. Or it could be me, but it really feels like it. I'm still me. He is still the wonderful friend, brother, son, neighbor, dad, son-in-law, coworker that he always was.
I spent some time looking back on this blog. I usually type now, hit post and then run like blazes. I admire you all for reading here because I can't read it after I write it. I don't want to think about it, wonder about it, deal with it in printed form. But I did, I did read a little bit of it.Those first weeks...I don't even remember writing them, but I remember feeling that way because I am still there. Only without the shock. Only the pain remains.

11 comments:

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,
I have read, re-read and then read again your post from last night and
I'm trying so hard to understand why anyone would dare to try and base anything about your lives together upon that one moment. I went back today and read from the beginning of when your life shattered in August and Laura, you HAVE come such a long way in getting to here, the sharing of your heartbreak. I love you for your courage to trust us enough to bring this horrible painful truth into the light. I believe it only makes all of us here love you more and want to share your burden. I pray for sweet peace to start filling the gapping hole left in your heart after getting this out.
I want for you to see what a truly wonderful person you are. I believe everything you say about your love for eachother and your family. I know it to be true in my heart. Sweet friend, we are all here for you and want to help. Thank you so much for your honesty and even though you wrote it for you, it touched me so deeply to hear your pain and know how much more I need to pray for you.
Know you are loved,
Laurie in Ca.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

Regradless of the size or signifigance of the issues -- and you posted about some humongious & significant ones, YOU DID IT! You did what you said you'd do on November 1st and to that I say I A BIG BRAVO!!

Big step, my friend,NaBloPoMo
haylee

The girl left behind said...

Yay you for getting the tree up. I am impressed; I couldn't do a tree so soon, last year, and I know you did it for your kids. You're a good mom.

I'll be putting mine up tomorrow. The box is out of the garage and the couch moved. I would love to have a prelit tree; as it is, I'll be fighting the lights.

rachd said...

Hi Honey!

Your tree is beautiful. :o) We almost got a pre-lit because neither of us wanted to deal with the live one. You're right, a decent pre-lit is monsterously pricey, but you did well! :o)

I just want you to know I don't judge. I'm SO desperately sorry for what happened with Leonard. He was such a wonderful man and father. What happened will NEVER EVER change that.

Please know I think of you and your family all the time and pray for peace. You all need peace this holiday season. Big HUGS to you.

And, Laura, I'm glad you were brave and able to reflect on what happened and write about it. That was a HUGE step.

More HUGS for good measure.

Marsha said...

Your tree is beautiful. I think once you get the ornaments up you will love it.

Anonymous said...

I came upon your blog by chance and stayed because your writing touched me to my very core.
You are a beautiful and strong person and that comes out in your writing.
May you have a peacefull day!

Alicia said...

I wish you peace.

I know you can't imagine it, but one day, peace will find you when you least expect.

In the meantime, know that I (and many others) walk the WidowRoad with you. We lend you our strength, courage, and prayers.

Donna said...

Hi my little love! Still here checking in on you....lots of hugs to you.....

Misguided Mommy said...

i looove your wall colors!

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,

Thinking about you always and especially tonight and hoping you have a wonderful nights sleep. I forgot to mention how great it is that you got your tree up. I still have to get mine but I am "on call"
as I am taking care of my grandson as his new brother or sister will be born soon. I want you to know you have my heart, anything you need just ask okay? Praying for peace for you and your home. I love you girl. Your heart is precious.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

rbnyc said...

We love our fake, pre-lit tree. We shelled out for it, but it will last for years. I wanted a fake tree for fire-safety amd so I wouldn't have to worry about disposal. It came out great.