I suppose I could be a better person,a better mother- but I do what I can each day that goes by. In order to survive this.
Nicole had both her best friend and her boyfriend with her for the photographs. Should I have been there? Probably. But I couldn't. So I didn't. And she understood. The three of us do what it takes to do this. To make it through an event that nothing would have us believe would ever happen to our little family. I cannot look at the things that would remind me of him right now. I am afraid of getting lost in the pain of it all. All of this is quite normal, I am assured by my counselor.
Leonard was the biggest and brightest part of my life. When you find the one who believes in you, cherishes you, holds you above all others. The one you realize you were meant to spend the rest of your life with, it is a glorious moment. We belonged together, with our children. And then, he was taken from me. And all of the good that was my life (that I sometimes feel I did not appreciate) was gone. If I were to have ended it all, I would have (and could have) done so on that day. But I couldn't (and wouldn't) do that to my children. It would be oh so very easy to just stop taking the medicines that keep me healthy. They call it passive suicide, and I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't tempted many times to do just that. But I didn't, and I haven't. I wake up each morning and breathe through each day. Sometimes I am a horrible mess. Sometimes I lay down at night and think,"This day was not quite as gutwrenching as the others..." Many times I lay down very late (as I will tonight) because I must physically and mentally exhaust myself to the point that all is a blur. Somedays I pretend I am someone completely different just to make it through.
Because, In honesty, I don't want to do this without him. As I told my father just yesterday,"I need him." I always will need him. He was It for me. I was lucky, and yet not lucky enough. I am only grateful that I treasured him, us, and our life together (for the most part. We weren't perfect) but it would never have been enough. I have pushed my father away somewhat, because I love him, and he deserves happiness. I felt he was doing some sort of penance with regard to guilt he holds over his actions and words that weekend. We all are feeling guilt with regard to our actions. It is an unfortunate pay out in this situation. My daughter, I think, most of all carries that baggage. All I can do is stay alive for her on a daily basis. Which is what I am attempting to do.
I don't mean for this post to be a downer, it is just that I have had am almost too difficult time of it lately. But, for those who worry, take some solace in the fact that I am still here. And, if I am still here after the pain of the last 2 days... then things have to be "okay". I'm okay. As okay as I can be without the one that I need.
I appreciate all of your concern and all of your love. This is one of my "letting it all out" places and sometimes it is less than pretty. Sometimes it is a very real person attempting to survive the thing she worried about most throughout all of our love together. That something would happen to take this beautiful man away from me. Something did happen... and I'll never truly get over it.