Saturday, March 8, 2008

Answers

I suppose I could be a better person,a better mother- but I do what I can each day that goes by. In order to survive this.

Nicole had both her best friend and her boyfriend with her for the photographs. Should I have been there? Probably. But I couldn't. So I didn't. And she understood. The three of us do what it takes to do this. To make it through an event that nothing would have us believe would ever happen to our little family. I cannot look at the things that would remind me of him right now. I am afraid of getting lost in the pain of it all. All of this is quite normal, I am assured by my counselor.

Leonard was the biggest and brightest part of my life. When you find the one who believes in you, cherishes you, holds you above all others. The one you realize you were meant to spend the rest of your life with, it is a glorious moment. We belonged together, with our children. And then, he was taken from me. And all of the good that was my life (that I sometimes feel I did not appreciate) was gone. If I were to have ended it all, I would have (and could have) done so on that day. But I couldn't (and wouldn't) do that to my children. It would be oh so very easy to just stop taking the medicines that keep me healthy. They call it passive suicide, and I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't tempted many times to do just that. But I didn't, and I haven't. I wake up each morning and breathe through each day. Sometimes I am a horrible mess. Sometimes I lay down at night and think,"This day was not quite as gutwrenching as the others..." Many times I lay down very late (as I will tonight) because I must physically and mentally exhaust myself to the point that all is a blur. Somedays I pretend I am someone completely different just to make it through.

Because, In honesty, I don't want to do this without him. As I told my father just yesterday,"I need him." I always will need him. He was It for me. I was lucky, and yet not lucky enough. I am only grateful that I treasured him, us, and our life together (for the most part. We weren't perfect) but it would never have been enough. I have pushed my father away somewhat, because I love him, and he deserves happiness. I felt he was doing some sort of penance with regard to guilt he holds over his actions and words that weekend. We all are feeling guilt with regard to our actions. It is an unfortunate pay out in this situation. My daughter, I think, most of all carries that baggage. All I can do is stay alive for her on a daily basis. Which is what I am attempting to do.

I don't mean for this post to be a downer, it is just that I have had am almost too difficult time of it lately. But, for those who worry, take some solace in the fact that I am still here. And, if I am still here after the pain of the last 2 days... then things have to be "okay". I'm okay. As okay as I can be without the one that I need.

I appreciate all of your concern and all of your love. This is one of my "letting it all out" places and sometimes it is less than pretty. Sometimes it is a very real person attempting to survive the thing she worried about most throughout all of our love together. That something would happen to take this beautiful man away from me. Something did happen... and I'll never truly get over it.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please know first and foremost that you and your family are in my prayers. I've been reading your blog for months--even before August--the name caught my eye. I remember you saying something to the effect that someone had said or done something in the 3 days leading up to your loss that you felt contributed to it in some way. I also remember you saying that you didn't want to mention it out of respect for that person. In light of your recent post (this is only speculation and forgive me if it's wrong) it was your father you were speaking of. Please know that after years of study, it's rare that one comment or action could lead a person to commit suicide. It's usually a gradual build up of many, many things. I hope that finding blame in one specific area or person isn't the route that you are following--it's very, very rarely that simple. I read that you have a counselor and that's wonderful, I wish you the very best for your family's recovery.

Blessings~
Heather,
A concerned MD, PhD

Marshamlow said...

Good job Laura, keeping putting one foot in front of the other. Sending hugs. I hope you and the kids enjoy your weekend. I was just thinking that my mom had to work and didn't come with me when I had my senior portrait taken. I never thought it was a big deal. In fact I don't remember any parents being there that day.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

All you can do is whatever it takes to get through another sad and lonely day. I'm sure that is a monumental task most days.

You are a tender-hearted woman who, despite your own grief, can acknowledge the grief needs of those you love.

Of course you'll never "get over" Leonard's passing but I do pray that you will find even a small measure of peace and acceptence as you travel on.

Think of you often, pray for you always,
love & hugs,
haylee

Sarah said...

I'm proud of you for breathing for one more day. I, too, am proud of you for seeing a counselor -- that is money well spent at my house!

And, though things have changed drastically in the 20 years since I left high school -- I'm with marshmlow -- no parents were at my senior pictures. But I do understand your struggle, because at this point -- I fully expect to be at my child's.

Continuing prayers for peace...

Jen said...

I am very, very sorry if what I posted yesterday was insensitive, I am a new reader and didn't know about the counseling, etc...please forgive me. I think you are doing a hell of a job even getting out of bed in the morning. Seriously. This has got to be one of the most painful experiences someone could ever go through and I am so sorry if I was out of line yesterday. Your posts are beautifully written and I am a faithful reader. I apologize for being in the wrong.

Shannon said...

Always here, always listening. Hopefully today will be a better day.

desperate housewife said...

This is going to sound a little cheesy perhaps, but sometimes you remind me of Jodi Foster's character in that movie The Brave One. Not in the sense that you're about to start enacting vigilante justice in your city, but just in the sense that you have suffered a loss so deep it's almost as though a new person is being forced to emerge from under the scabs and wounds.
As you said in your last sentence, I don't think you WILL ever get over it, probably; it will shape this new person you're becoming. But I think the new person emerging is someone very strong and very tender at the same time. I don't think you should regret her existance, though you will always regret the manner in which she was forced into existance.
Does that make sense?

Rebecca said...

Sometimes being here is all we can do, so you're doing it. ((hugs))

Laura said...

Jen, there's no need to apologize at all. If I can say what's on my mind, I want you to as well. Even the not so nice things. Feedback is a good thing. I am only grateful that you read here. My biggest fear is that, someday, he will be forgotten. You all keep that from happening.

Donna said...

You VENT all you want! There's No time limit...know you're loved by all of us....much love and a whole lotta hugs.....

Karen said...

Keep hanging in there Laura!
For what it's worth, I took my senior pictures with friends and my sister had to leave for a wedding in the middle of my niece's.
One day at a time, you WILL continue making it!

Nance said...

Guilt and Grief...it seems there never is one without the other, dammit. I hate them both.

TGLB said...

You know, I went to my senior pictures by myself. All my friends did. Parents were not required and no one even thought of it. This idea that parents have to hover over every single activity their children do is doing a disservice to both parents and kids, in my view. It makes the kids think they're not trusted, and it makes the parents feel inadequate if they don't. I'm sure Nik was fine, and I applaud you for taking care of yourself. As women, we so often put ourselves last, to our detriment. And by taking care of yourself, you DID take care of Nik. Crying through her senior photo shoot probably would've been less than positive for her and her friends, anyway. It's okay; you did right.

You know I'm going through a similar loss, Laura. And so when I look back where I was at 6 months, and where I am now, and where you are at 6 months, I can honestly say you're doing a bang-up job at this surviving thing. It takes a long, long time to feel better, but all along, I've seen signs of healing in you. They are subtle, and probably only visible to the tired, sad eyes of someone who's been there his/herself, but there are there.

You will not "get over it." You will eventually be able to pick it up and carry it with you as you go forward. You will. I'll keep the faith for you, along with all these people who care, until you can do it for yourself again.

Hugs.

Ortizzle said...

You titled this post "answers." Perhaps subconsciously there are more answers out there than you even suspect right now. I think you have found quite a few, though.

Keep hanging in there.

rachd said...

Hi Sweetie,

I spoke with my counselor yesterday about grief and we talked again about how it is a different process for everyone. As I have said so often, you are doing what YOU need to do in order to survive, in order to get through.

Having such a public place to vent can be hard sometimes, because it's like being under a microscope. Everyone is watching you do it and they are all worried and want what's best for you.

We all love you and wish you lots of peace tonight.

HUGS!!

Laurie said...

Laura,

I think you are doing a good job and I have seen progress along the way here. It is a real frightening thing in counseling to be afraid of getting lost in the pain of it all. It is so hard to let go of the pain, fearing we will lose it all, the good and the not so good. But it brings about peace when the searing pain is quieted and the memories are more alive and clear, filling the places that the pain held captive. It will take the time that it takes you friend, but you will get there and be set free. Leonard can never be forgotten, he is too alive in your heart and just a memory away.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

I really think you are an excellent writer and I can feel the intensity of your emotions as I read.

But I have to wonder.

I have to wonder if your kids read your blog. You say that your husband was the biggest and brightest part of your life. I wonder if that makes them feel like "less".


Rhonda

BetteJo said...

You said that you don't want Leonard to ever be forgotten. Well, here - you are introducing him to a whole group of people who probably never would have met him - and now will never have the opportunity.
What a wonderful tribute to the love you shared.

Ronni said...

Most kids know and should expect the relationship between their parents to be something apart from their combined family relationship. It does not hurt my kids to know how difficult it is for me to go on without my husband. They are grateful that I choose to do so, and I'm sure Laura's are, too, or will be when old enough to understand.

Laura, I feel as if I'm in a similar place today. I wrote a post about being oversensitive, due to having lost the one who cherished me.

We go on. Period.

I am, sadly, getting used to this constant ache.

Ronni said...

Oh...and I meant to say: I plan to drop my son off in the park with the photographer and pick him up when they are done. The photographer prefers it that way, and I think Brendan will, too.

When they are 17 (or 18), they need to do some stuff without you at the best of times.

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time commenter here...

Please, Laura... look at the positives. Cherish the fact that you HAD a love so great and that your kids have known such a wonderful father. Some of us wander through life never having a love so special and pure - never knowing what it's like to feel love like that.

I know you feel robbed and cheated but the years you had with him are special and something a lot of us can one read about.

I hope you can gain strength from having loved and been loved so deeply. I hope to someday taste that. Even if only briefly.

Peace and love to you and your family.

Betts4 said...

I am not reading all the comments, just wanted to add, I know exactly, absolutely how you feel. To just lay down and be with your love.

And, let it out. Let it out.

Karen MEG said...

Of course you'll never truly get over it, he was the love of your life. And your kids know that too. I can see why it is so difficult especially during these milestone moments, when your partner really should be here.

I'm glad you have this space Laura; I hope in some way, however small it might be, it helps.

Hugs.

Courtney said...

I am sure your kids know you are doing your best. Keep doing your best, it's all you can do!

jessica said...

Oh Laura. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it on for you even for just a few hours so you could breathe again and feel some joy. I can't imagine how it must weigh on you.
Sending you a lot of love,
jessica