I could write so much here but that would require thinking. Thinking clearly is not my forte lately. I am having a really, really difficult time. A time when it would be so easy to give it up. No worries, I'm not. I only want to.
Did anyone else watch the Royalty special on ABC last night? I did. It was rather interesting. We tuned in (thanks tivo) after the premier of "Little People, Big Word" (how long are they going to drag out the DUI trial anyway?) and I found it rather interesting. William looks much cuter in uniform than out. Harry is a looker no matter what he is wearing and the Queen and Prince Charles both come off as likeable. I also think they could have had a bit more on the public reaction to having a monarchy. The anger of the man who wants America to take the Queen home with us was interesting to hear. And I would have liked to have heard more from those who are less than thrilled with the "Pomp" of it all. The taxpayers pay for it and their voices should be heard.
Brett Favre is retiring. Yes many of you can't and won't care. I was raised a Packer fan. I married a football agnostic, initiated him into love of all things football, and then watched him run to the Lions. Today is a bitter and sad, lonely day. Brett started with the Packers the year my husband and I met each other again and fell in love. Coincidentally he married his high school sweetheart within days of our wedding. (no we did not plan that, I'm not crazy...) And he retired after the last year I spent with my husband. See? I can connect anything to this unending hurt. This hurt that feels as if it has invaded and destroyed anything that was good that was left within me. Each day that passes I fear I need him more. That is scary to contemplate.
Nicole had a really nice birthday. I am struggling with the thought of her being 18, of James being 9...of no one to share it with who cares as much as he did. I just want him back. Can't anyone do that for us? For Me?
I got an email from an aunt of his the other day. She was one we spent a lot of time with. She listed our house, sold us this one and went out with us on our search for our dream house on land many a time. After a series of back and forth emails, she finally gets it...
"I think you're right, Laura. I don't think any of us can fully understand what Leonard's loss means to you. I always thought there was great love between the two of you. You seemed to be on the same wave length whether you were talking or not. I wish that you and Leonard could have had that country house."
And I think about that... and how that wave length has been irrepairably broken. I am lost, alone and so very, very sad today.