Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Scattered thoughts

I could write so much here but that would require thinking. Thinking clearly is not my forte lately. I am having a really, really difficult time. A time when it would be so easy to give it up. No worries, I'm not. I only want to.

Did anyone else watch the Royalty special on ABC last night? I did. It was rather interesting. We tuned in (thanks tivo) after the premier of "Little People, Big Word" (how long are they going to drag out the DUI trial anyway?) and I found it rather interesting. William looks much cuter in uniform than out. Harry is a looker no matter what he is wearing and the Queen and Prince Charles both come off as likeable. I also think they could have had a bit more on the public reaction to having a monarchy. The anger of the man who wants America to take the Queen home with us was interesting to hear. And I would have liked to have heard more from those who are less than thrilled with the "Pomp" of it all. The taxpayers pay for it and their voices should be heard.

Brett Favre is retiring. Yes many of you can't and won't care. I was raised a Packer fan. I married a football agnostic, initiated him into love of all things football, and then watched him run to the Lions. Today is a bitter and sad, lonely day. Brett started with the Packers the year my husband and I met each other again and fell in love. Coincidentally he married his high school sweetheart within days of our wedding. (no we did not plan that, I'm not crazy...) And he retired after the last year I spent with my husband. See? I can connect anything to this unending hurt. This hurt that feels as if it has invaded and destroyed anything that was good that was left within me. Each day that passes I fear I need him more. That is scary to contemplate.

Nicole had a really nice birthday. I am struggling with the thought of her being 18, of James being 9...of no one to share it with who cares as much as he did. I just want him back. Can't anyone do that for us? For Me?

I got an email from an aunt of his the other day. She was one we spent a lot of time with. She listed our house, sold us this one and went out with us on our search for our dream house on land many a time. After a series of back and forth emails, she finally gets it...

"I think you're right, Laura. I don't think any of us can fully understand what Leonard's loss means to you. I always thought there was great love between the two of you. You seemed to be on the same wave length whether you were talking or not. I wish that you and Leonard could have had that country house."

And I think about that... and how that wave length has been irrepairably broken. I am lost, alone and so very, very sad today.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Laura,
I've been lurking on your blog for a while now. Your grief is so understandable and so heart-breaking. I just can't imagine...

On a "lighter note", the DUII trial of Matt Roloff pi**es me off! We live in Portland, Oregon and he lives just outside of town.He really pulled out the cards on being a "little person" in this situation, when the show has always advocated for them to be "treated like everyone else". I won't ruin it for you if you don't know the outcome, but we've all got our eyes wide open watching for the little drunk man...

Lola

Dianne said...

Laura,
Just by reading your blog, I can feel how lost, alone and sad you are. Your words go straight to my heart and I am at a loss for the right words to say to you.
Know that I care, as do many, many others.
Dianne

rachd said...

No words other than, "I'm SO sorry".

Big HUGS!

Tie a knot, Sweetie, or, if we need to do it for you, let us know!

BetteJo said...

Oh if wishing would make it so. I think so many of us would wish it for you.

Jana said...

What a lovely note that his aunt sent you. It sounds like she "gets it" even if your (and his) other family members do not. Your soul mate took part of YOUR soul with him and I don't know anyone who could recover from something like that in just a few short months. And for others to expect you to get "back to normal" just seems ridiculous to me.

And on a lighter note, we watched part of the special on the Royals as well. It was neat to see that behind all the hoopla and formalities, they're just normal people.

Nance said...

No, no one can ever fully understand, but we won't stop wishing we could.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

I re-watched Denzil's "Deja Vu" last week and thought of you. If only...

I am wondering if you have the princes mixed up ... Harry is the younger one in the military & William is the "looker", IMHO.

I am curious -- you have often referred to a "house on land" -- what exactly do you mean by that?

Glad that Nicole had a nice birthday ... it's scary how fast times flies. It doesn't seem that long ago that our third born was graduating high school -- now he's in his 5th year of university! I can hardly believe it. To even contemplate our baby-girl being 21 is mind blowing.

It was kind of Leonard's aunt to validate your feelings ... I don't understand why most people simply don't get it. Time can be a contradiction -- some say the passage of it lessens the pain yet when you miss someone so deeply, each passing day seems to sting more. How can both be true .. or not?

I sure wish I had that machine.

love & hugs
haylee

Donna said...

Wrapping my arms around you...much love sweetie....

Karen said...

My heart just hurts for you when I read about your love for Leonard. He was truly your soulmate, no one should expect your life to go back to "normal". Better someday yes, but never the same.

On a lighter note: We watched the "Little People Big World" too. And I said the same thing about dragging it out. New story line please!

TGLB said...

That wavelength is still there, Laura. I believe that with everything I am. And I can tell you that I honestly believed no such thing the day he died; all I felt was a vault door being shut between us. But you are still connected. It's not the same, and it's not the ideal, but it's there. Hang onto that.

Betts4 said...

It's good that your Aunt acknowledged that she couldn't understand what Leonard's loss really meant. I have had a couple friends tell me this and it makes me feel like I am not talking to a brick wall anymore. That at least they are thinking about the fact that they don't understand.

Sending hugs honey! Keep the chin up and the steps small.

Sharpie said...

I wish I could do that for you. I wish I could.

I am so sorry that you are feeling lost and alone - but always know - though I we are no replacement for Leonard, we are here for you and we love you! I think your other commenters were right - tie your knot, get in the swing and just let the wind whip through your hair.

Big Hugs!

Courtney said...

Your words portray how lost and sad you are. I am so sorry and I don't have anything else to say except...If you need anything, let me know.

Jess said...

I'm thinking of you very often. I'm just so unbelievably sorry.

Ronni said...

British taxpayers don't pay for most of the Queen's upkeep. she has her own income from her own lands. she actually pays taxes, though that is a fairly recent (in monarchist terms) phenomenon.

Most of us don't understand the monarchy, having kissed it goodbye a couple of centuries ago.

Studying up on something like that can provide a distraction from your sorrow, for short periods of time, anyway.

I follow spousal murder investigations. I've done it for several years, but seem to spend much more time on those boards in the past six months.

Hang in there..

Gina said...

Laura, I hope that today found you feeling better.

Thinking of you and hugs...

Classic Charm said...

Laura,
So sorry to hear what a difficult time you are having. I admire you for your candor, and for the will to even update this blog. Stay strong...he would want you to stay strong. Your grief touches my heart...and I can feel your pain and anguish. Please know that you are in my prayers...
Hugs,
Rose

red tin heart said...

I was talking to my brother's wife yesterday. We lost him 8 years ago in a car wreck. She said, " You know we can never replace John or Buddy. They were the loves of our youth. Who we grew up with. We don't have that time left to do that all over again."
I think that is what hurts the most. Losing the one whom we grew up with, and whom we grew with.
I miss talking to John more than anything. Him just being there for me in any given situation. He was not perfect but he cared about me, he loved me.
That is what I miss. I am thinking of you friend. xoxo nita