Sunday, April 6, 2008

Back Home (?)

We made it back to Michigan at about 6 PM tonight. I really missed being able to blog daily (connections were too spotty to be able to complete an entry) and it feels good to be back.

James had a wonderful time with his cousins and also meeting cousins he had never met before in San Antonio. My Uncle N. is a Lt.Col (ret.) in the USAF so he got to see all three San Antonio bases up close and personal. We visited Brooks, Lackland and Randolph... James was most excited about Lackland, due to it being a maintenance base and the fact that there were 12 C-5 Galaxies on the ground and one in the air. My uncle was very impressed with how much plane knowledge one little 9 year old boy could hold. He also drove us by two of the missions and we had dinner on the Riverwalk. I was able to see my cousin P. all three days, and she is really so very strong. One would be astounded to know that she has daily radiation treatments and just finished chemo. It was also a very sad time. I had to relive those days, and all the days after, for those who were not able to come up last August and-as it always does- it tossed me right back into those feelings again. Not that they ever leave, I just sometimes get really good at pretending I am someone that I am not.

It was so nice to have Leonard's Aunt M. along for the ride down. She is very entertaining and kept James in giggles for most of the ride there and back. We found out she is hilarious in making up voices and actions for the new puppet that I bought James in Old Town Spring. She touched on issues concerning my mother-in-law and all I could say was that it wasn't a major part of my life anymore (the incesant troubles seem so trivial in the wake of it all). She also asked me to recount what happened. Freshening the hurt, but sometimes (especially lately) I need to talk about it. I feel him slipping away from the memories of people. I can't stop it but I can't handle it either.

We looked at a ton of model houses while there. Aunt M. is a real estate agent and I am an appraiser so it is interesting to see what new houses go for, what they have and don't have as opposed to ours. What they are, in Texas, are amazing for the money... Which brought about another round of "you should move here's" from family. Only, right now, I am lost... I feel as if my place anywhere is gone. The missing has become intense again and it feels, each time, as if it takes a little bit more out of me. Me, scrambling to find something to hold on to. This evening, at home, has been one of tears and hastily wiped eyes, gulped sobs...in front of a little boy who so wants me to just be "normal" again... Only what, and where is that? So, here I am...back here...what used to be (but doesn't feel like) home anymore.


James and Uncle N.-happily looking over James's military airplane book. Uncle N. was delighted with his fascination with James's fascination with his military career... and a new bond is formed---

17 comments:

Stella said...

Welcome home. I hope you find a shred of the "home" feel now that you are back in Michigan. And, now that you are back in your "virtual home" with us. I guess we can be each others' family members here.

Take care, and rest up from your long trip. Glad you made it safely.

Love,
Stella

Angie said...

Welcome back. I missed hearing from you. I can't wait for our coffee date. We need to set it up, soon!

Linda said...

So glad you are home safe and sound!
Portland is a really nice city...maybe it's time for a real
"start over"....i'd be the welcome wagon!

TGLB said...

Welcome back. This trip, despite the tough moments, was a triumphant one just in the taking it and making it. I'm proud of you.

Hugs.

Kathy said...

Hi Laura,
Missed you! I am so sorry for everything you are going through. That is great that James had a military relative to share the 'plane' interest with. I remember when you posted about the air show, way back.

Debbie in NC said...

Hey Laura,

Happy you had a good time and made it back safe!

Maybe James has an Air Force career ahead? Surely to God, the war will be over by then! Sounds like you have some happy relatives living in TX :) that care a lot about you :)

Laura, you're making progress...((HUGS))

Sharpie said...

Laura - Glad the trip was good - I think you all needed a few laughs! What is so great about normal anyway???? Big Hugs!

Rach said...

Welcome home, Honey! I'm so glad you had a wonderful visit, and I'm glad you're home. :o)

Brien was stationed at Lackland when he was in Basic Training. I flew down for his graduation and was AMAZED at the beauty of SA. AND, I can't *believe* how much house you can get for a very nominal price compared to here in W'burg. WOW!

(Oh, and aren't those C-5's *INCREDIBLE*??)

Classic Charm said...

Welcome home Laura. Your trip sounds lovely, glad you had to time with family, I think that was good for you to go. I'm also sorry to hear you're struggling, wishing things will "feel" better soon. I can only imagine your struggle dear.

I invite you to my blog today, to click on one of my daily places I visit. Look over at my blog list and visit "Just Being John Michael" especially today, it's something you need to read.

Blessings and Hugs,
Rose

Donna said...

Wonderful that a new bond for little James was formed...so sorry for the saddness...hang in there sweetie...

Courtney said...

I'm so glad you're back. It looks like you guys had a good time (all things considered.) I continue to think of you daily in hopes that you will find some sort of peace (even for a short time.)

Shannon said...

I'm glad you are back. I missed you!

Karen MEG said...

Welcome home Laura. It sounds like it was a particularly wonderful trip for your boy ... how neat that he is quite knowledgeable about those planes, what a special bond he's developing with his uncle.

I am also sorry but understand completely your sadness. Hoping that better days come your way soon.

Jess T said...

So glad you've returned! :)

Nance said...

Hope you've returned to spring-like weather. Temperatures are warming here in NE Ohio. Maybe Michigan is sharing in the sun?

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I used to work for EDS, which is headquartered in TX. If you could manage it, and were willing to move to TX, the thing to do used to be (maybe still is?) start out in CA, so you get a CA salary. Esp. if you bought a CA house, and watched the value more than double in a decade. Then sell the house and move to TX, and buy a HUGE house there. If you came from somewhere with a higher salary, you kept that salary, even though the price of living was so much lower. And while the price of real estate here got all bubbly and out of whack, it stayed reasonable there. The only bad part of those BIG houses, I guess, was the A/C bill in the summer. Ouch.

Glad you're home, glad you have a support system. Sorry you're still aching. I wondered, though, if feeling better at some point might not feel like a betrayal? NOT that I think it should. I think most folks eventually overcome tragedy in their lives. I just wonder if it were me, if I would feel guilty for feeling better. And perhaps the only thing that would help would be to know that my husband would WANT me to feel better. Not to forget him, but to not be in so much pain all of the time.

Easier said than done, huh honey?

Ronni said...

Did you eat at Casa Rio on the Riverwalk? Jim and I were married on Wedding Island there.

You can keep yourself together for James. He will be able to move on. Kids move on (superficially, at least) faster than we do. Once he is back in whatever groove seems natural to him, you will be freed up to make your own groove.

I guess he is "resilient," as they say kids are. The last seven months seems much longer to him than it does to you.