Monday, April 7, 2008

I Dreamt of You...

And I've been trying so hard not to. I don't want those precious moments with you...the ones that will drift away, revealing the nightmare when I awaken. But, on Saturday, you were there-in my dream. God how that hurt to wake from.

It was so real, Leonard. It was Friday, 4:18 (I know, I looked at the clock) and you walked in the door. I was stunned and then thrilled and then full of questions. How did you get home? (I had sold your truck) You got a ride from a friend. Only I don't remember hugging you or getting the kisses that I've read that so many widows receive in their dreams. You were worried. What would we do about the life insurance? The SSI...all those things that really wouldn't matter if I could only have you back. Somehow, in the space of you and my dream, I got two jobs at two salons (I haven't used my license for pay in years) and was so very happy to have you back. I got confirmation that yes...yes it was all just a horrible, very long nightmare... Only it was when I woke up that I realized the nightmare was real, and the dream contributed to the pain. We (Aunt Marie, James and I) were at the hotel. I took a walk outside and leaned against a rail, trying to picture you standing across from me; where would I be looking up to-what space- if I was gazing into your beautiful eyes. I said the things I would say (just normal things) if you were really here. But you aren't, and you won't ever be. Why can't I feel you anymore? You weren't really even you in that dream...

And then I turned and saw an SUV. On the back of the truck was a sticker... the kind that usually say "Polaris" or "Dodge Boy" or something and it said, in 8 inch letters, LEONARD. I wonder what that meant.

The only thing I'm sure of is that I miss you so much. I long for you. I need you. I love you...

18 comments:

Starshine said...

Oh this is such a sweet post. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I linked to you from Jelly Jules' blog.

Betts4 said...

Oh Laura, I am sending you hugs, you dreamt of Leonard. A dream to see him again. To see his face, his eyes, his gaze on you.
I am sorry it was just a dream. I know how it feels to wake up from them, wanting it to be reality. Tears for you and Leonard and hugs, many hugs for you.

Cathy said...

I get this.

Kathy said...

Just here, thinking of you, wishing grief wasn't so cruel.
*hugs*

Angie said...

I'm sending you hugs, love. Ya know I had a similar dream about my dad once, that he had been in a coma, but even in my dream, my mind was telling me it wasn't true. I kept seeing flashes from the funeral.
I can't imagine how you felt waking up from that one. BIG BIG hugs

Kesha said...

I don't know what to say Laura, I do wish your dream had been reality and your reality just a dream.

much love to you and your children.


a thousand times a thousand hugs.

Rach said...

Leonard was there. I think he's been waiting to come to you because he knew how hard it has been for you and he knew how difficult it would be to awaken from the beauty of the dream.

(Do you know that Leonard is a company that makes truck campers?)

Meanwhile I'm POSITIVE you saw it then because Leonard was letting you know he was with you.

HUGS!

Tessie said...

Laura, I haven't commented in a while but I just wanted to let you know I'm still reading.

Hang in there.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Here in my stupidity and ignorance, I thought that a visit in a dream would be a comfort. I've always told Maya, since we are atheists and don't believe in Heaven or Hell, that when I die, I'll still come and visit her in her dreams, that she'll never be alone. Maybe not such a good thing to say, huh?

I'm sorry for your nightmare awakening.

Courtney said...

Oh honey...HUGS!!!!

Donna said...

He WAS there and the truck sign was confirmation from him!! How wonderful....hughugs

Gina said...

I'm so sorry that some days are so much harder than others.

TGLB said...

I'm with Rach. It was him. I treasure every dream I have of my sweetie; they are too few and far between, but having him back even for a moment brings me peace and joy.

Nance said...

When I read your blog, it challenges everything I used to think about grief and love--the old movie-type cliches and love song standbys. I'm with j.@jellyjules: what I thought sounded comforting and romantic turns out to be heartbreaking and horrid in all reality. I start to re-evaluate things that I might take for granted, things that I may have missed before and know I would miss if they were no longer part of my everyday life. It's astonishing.

desperate housewife said...

I too recently dreamed, very vividly, of someone who is essentially gone from my life now (due to geographic and emotional drifting.) Obv. this was nowhere near as traumatic for me as for you, but I still think I know what you mean a little, about how it hurts to wake up. The dream felt like reality, and reality feels a little (or a lot) bleak.

Shari said...

I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to say. I am hoping you feel a lot of HUGS from all your readers. I can't imagine how that must feel to realize it was all a dream when you wake up.

Take care. God bless.

The Sparrow's Heart said...

It is the little things like the bumper sticker that give me hope.
It is a sign..
I am here for you if you ever need to talk. Please e-mail me if you ever want to.
Sending you love, Nita

Marshamlow said...

Oh dear I am so sorry that it hurt so much to wake up from your dream. I don't pretend to understand dreams and signs etc. I hope you are well. I often wonder if you are thinking about changing from real estate appraisal back to working in as a cosmetologist or something else. Is change a good thing or a bad thing?