Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Days Like Today...

...are the reason why I moved here. I can wake up, walk outside in my jammies (no worries, it's a high fence) and sit for awhile. I need to remind myself of that...often. Especially on days when the overwhelming urge to chuck it all and run again sets in. For I have been contemplating chucking. But I can't. I will do this. I must.

Whoever said that, in many ways, the second year is harder than the first was right. My absence here is indicative of a general absence I had for life...save for James, and his wellbeing. There was a gradual backslide again. A getting up, but not getting dressed. Writing the bills, doing the laundry (sort of), answering the phone (sometimes), getting together with friends (again, sometimes). The crushing shock of not seeing him walk through the door eased. The numbing, trudging, drudgery of the reality of a life without him set in. I handled it. Not well.

A positive is that I see healing in James. Gone are the mornings spent begging for a day off of school. While he still does not like school too much, he grudgingly goes along with the plan. He has friends. He has plans. He is a bright spot. He will be okay. This, I make sure of.

I am still trying to find ways to tether myself. I have temporary tethers: mainly the raising of James. He will grow up and he will be strong, and I will be proud to see him walk on to his future. And then what? This is what I push into the pantry and close the door on. Waiting to boil it up on another day.

We have had many visitors in the last year. As joyous as it is to see them walk through our door, the pain of them leaving sometimes leaves me breathless. Tiny little deaths strung along through the months.

Well Golly, I apologize for the morbidity of this entry. But the sun is shining, a new day has begun and I am still trying. I really am.

11 comments:

desperate housewife said...

I've been wondering how you are! Thanks for writing again. And I hope that future that you're pushing in the pantry and closing the door on holds some great things for you. As you know all too well, life can change in an instant, but sometimes it can change for the better just like that, too. And I hope one day you wake up to Better.

Nance said...

It seems as if you've spent your time away doing a lot of thinking as well. Some very careful Coming To Terms. I'm glad.

There are also some beautiful phrases in this entry. Did you take a creative writing class in the interim? ;-)

Glad to see you checking in here and over at my place. I'd been wondering.

Laura said...

It's funny you should mention that Nance, as I've spent a good bit of time writing (but no classes) this past year. It's good to be back and to see you again.

Jana said...

I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing! I'm glad you guys are settling in and adjusting to the "new normal", even if that "new normal" isn't exactly how you pictured your life to be.

How is your daughter enjoying college?

Rach said...

Year two is definitely different--and in many ways harder. You hit the nail on the head. You SURVIVE year one, and year two rolls along and now it's a matter of learning to live without them.

This was beautifully written and I'm glad to see you back--if even for a brief while. I've missed you.

Keep on hanging in there!
HUGS!

Betts4 said...

Glad you posted and you can see from my blog how we both have stopped writing so much.

That 'chuck it all' feeling sometimes overwhelms me and I have to sit and take a deep breath.

Take that deep breath and smile.

{{{hugs to you!}}}

Debra said...

You have made some rather big decisions in the last year. It is so been easier to put your feelings, and pain aside when you are keeeping busy. It is during these lulls in your life, the quiet times when we hear that part of ourselves that we try to ignore run from.
Seeing your family, friends vist and leave may rake the embers of the pain of your loss. It is hard but it will get better with time. Some things you just cannot run from, they are with you no matter where you go.
Perhaps in finding freinds there, a job, something to fill those times and help anchor you there would help?

Laurie in Ca. said...

It is so good to hear from you sweetie. You are doing it Laura, one moment at a time. Trying our best is all that any of us can do and I think you are doing it well. I pray for you often and ask God to bless you with more sunshine every day. He loves you and so do I.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Scott said...

It's good to see you back here, like a visit from an old friend, it warms the heart.

Jackie said...

*hug*

Little-Bit said...

It's good to see you writing again. Glad you are doing good, whatever good is these days. Every day is different, and what works today may not work tomorrow or have worked yesterday. But it worked today, and that's all you can hope for right now, right? Wishing you the best.