4 Years Later...

Amazing how you set something aside, intending to get back to it, and you do! 40-ish months or so later...

First, an update:

When I scan back over the length of this blog, and scan I do... I don't recognize that girl and so many of those moments anymore. It is sometimes like the earth opened up and swallowed 5 years of memories, or I was simply more numb than I realized.

James is a high school senior, and to keep this from sounding too much like that Christmas letter you get from your cousin and never really read because she drives you nuts with her overachieving, that's all I'm going to say about that. Also, he would murder me if I wrote about him here.

Nicole lives in Florida, works at Universal Studios and is ... finally... I think... happy.

We said goodbye to Jessie in the summer of 2014. I was not ready to let her go, but then, I never would have been. She picked a time when I was not home and drifted away. It was just as hard as I expected it to be.

The reason I don't spend as much -- okay, okay any -- time here is because I began writing for a living. No, don't go getting all excited. I write the boring stuff that entices you to buy something at Staples or book a trip on Orbitz. It's a decent living and lets me keep a flexible schedule. I will focus a bit of this blog on the irritations of being a freelancer because there are many, and I will also address the positives that come with it. I used to get paid to tell you that... but more about that later.

It's good to be back.

Goodbye Little Man...

I guess I cannot call him that anymore. In the however-many-months it has been since I was here last, he has grown taller than me, moved up 3(three) shoe sizes, spoken in a deeper voice (oh how I miss his Mickey Mouse chatter) and stopped being a little man... *sniffle*

James "graduated" from 8th grade today. Luckily, in our district, they don't actually "graduate" them so I didn't have to get dressed up, drive to the school, fight for parking, etc--all so I could cry in public. I did my crying at home. I have, without fail, cried at every single first day of school and every single last day of school, for both James and Nicole. Yes, I'm one of those moms. The ones who can't manage to get a grip. It has been a rough couple of years for James, academically. Well not really academically--he does rather well--but getting-along-with-teachers-ly. James has become a bit more social minded. IE. he talks a lot, wherein he did not before.

Because I start off each new school year with an email to each of his teachers explaining who James is and his life story (the condensed version) and an entreaty to contact me if there is anything "out of the norm", I get a lot of phone calls. Well, not a lot, but, in my world, any phone call from school is a lot. One or two of his teachers gave me a minute by minute account of what James did or didn't do to annoy them. It got rather, for lack of a better work, annoying for myself. Except I brought it on myself by asking. Lesson learned.

So James is off to high school (*sob), with his mother somewhere lurking there behind him, yelling,"Keep your head up, for God's sake!"

Go Lions... sort of

Every year, Leonard (die-hard Lions fan, even though I was the one who hooked him on football) would say,"This year the Lions are going to do better." Each year he would be...wrong. I, even as a Packer fan would feel (sort of) bad for him. When they went 0-16 I thought about how it would have really bummed him out. Our son (for some crazy, whacked out reason) picked the Lions (over my Packers ) to obsess over.

Last weekend, we went to a local restaurant where they show all of the games all of the time (it's like Football Christmas!) to watch the Lions play the Cowboys. I left out that we are now living in...Houston, Texas. Where you are either a Texans fan or an idiot...I mean Cowboys fan (with a few Saints fans in there too, but they get a pass because a lot of them, like me, moved here from NOLA). Anyway, we were stuck at a table (read pool table covered by a board, covered by a table cloth) with a bunch of Cowboys fans. When the Texans play, the Cowboys don't, in Houston... Unless you have Directv, or go to the bar, but I digress.

We have been going to this restaurant for 3 seasons. The manager, taking pity on my son's aloneness as the only Lions fan in a sea of other fans of winning teams, often gave him a room to himself, with sound (!) because most of the games are televised without, except for one in each room. Did I mention the part where this restaurant is also the home base of the Browns in Houston (they still have a few fans I guess)?

On Sunday we were late...hence the pool table seats...with the Cowboys fans. And it sucked...really bad for 3-ish quarters. From the graphic showing Stafford held to -1 in offense in the 1st to the kicking of the trash can...and then it got really good. And the Houston game ended just about the time things were turning into what looked like an obtainable win for the Lions. And, before you could say "Romo has to go" (I got that one from the fan across from me)a group of Texan fans were standing behind my son's chair, high fiving James with each score. Shaking his shoulders and becoming, for one instant, fellow Lions fans. I think they were more "Not Cowboy" fans but all the same, my son had comrades in his cheering again. (Because he knows I'm kind of faking it when I cheer for the Lions).

James' team is currently 3-1... We are hoping that the 1 stays a 1. For the first time he played on offense last week at tight end. Let's just say he is grateful to be back on the defensive side of the ball. I am amazed at how well he is doing and, also, how gigantic he looks on the field in his uniform. I always tend to look for the little guys, only there aren't very many out there anymore. He is making marvelous attempts at studying, all the while muttering,"I hate new 'pro-active' mom..." Last year, we tried giving him assignment and studying responsibility. Luckily, he passed the 7th grade in spite of it.

A housekeeping note. I am not one to typically delete comments, even the not so nice ones. For the first time ever, I did. I would like to extend to that person the message that they may post anything they wish, as long as it is not excessive in its vulgarity (this was) nor outright slander (this also was, as records show). Other than that, have at me.

Friday Night Lights

I forgot how much I loved that movie, once I got all hooked into the television show. James and I watched it last night (I don't think he has ever seen it) and it never ceases to make me cry. I am, somehow, amazed that they never pull it off in the end.

So far, we've been having a really nice, if not sweltering, summer. James got to go to a real live drive in for the first time ever. Just a bit up the road from us is a two screen drive in. I had stumbled upon it be accident (and traffic tie up) last summer and meant to go. A friend called and asked if we wanted to meet her and her boys up there to see Cars 2, so we did. Unfortunately Cars 2 and Pirates was sold out, so we watched Green Lantern and X-Men. It was so very nice to sit outside in lawn chairs as the sun went down. Nothing beats a Texas sunset. We've had quite a few cook outs and the 4th was a great day spent with friends.

We're attempting to plan the annual trip to Cedar Point to visit my daughter. It is hard to do when you think of the drive...plus scheduling time to see her around her very busy schedule.

My "job" is hilarious and annoying all rolled into one giant 6 pack of beer. No one ever told me how interesting the people who visit a convenience store can be. I am a cigarette pack version of Lucy from "Charlie Brown", although I rarely have any advice after I am told some of their stories... I often find myself walking away thinking, "Darn that would make for a good book." I always seem to have an excuse not to write these days.

This is the birthday/anniversary stretch... If I pretend it doesn't exist, it can't hurt me, right?

Woof...and Wellness

So here come the dog days of summer, and it is only the beginning of June. Luckily we are to cool down to the low 90's by the weekend. Go Team Texas!

James made it through the last day of school (surprise! and here's to a better next year) and we drove out to San Antonio to visit my cousin Patti. I haven't seen her since last year, when illness combined with a couple of hospital induced setbacks occurred. She is better, but it is horrifying to see one who was always healthy so frail and tiny. It is far more horrifying to realize that it was through mistakes that could have been avoided.

Did I tell you yet how HOT it is here?

The Longest Last Week of School Ever...

Conversation from this morning:

"Mom, I'm really not feeling well."

"Well, let's get you something to eat and get you woken up a bit."

"Can't I just take the day off? A mental health day?"

"James...there's like 5 days of school left. Just buck up. It'll be fine."

"Come on..."

Here's where I must say, it's a real bummer when your child starts throwing your own (let's call it) encouragement (instead of guilt trip) back in your face.

"Come on James. Do this for me."


"Do this for ME, Mom."

Well, of course, he went to school (not) happily. And, somehow, managed. I swear this last week has already lasted at least two months.

Between Then and Now

When I think back on the last year, I realize that we were busier than it appears when I slog through yet another day. There is so much I want to update, and so very hard to begin.

Let's begin with James. It was a great and awful year all at the same time. I know that sounds ridiculous but it will make sense (sort of) in a minute. He was gobbled up by the Texas machine, otherwise known as football, last Fall. Along with the trepidation of thinking that each second he will be flattened on the field, is the realization that it was really good for him. James, as is a family trait, has anger "issues". His grief often, at 12, manifests itself as frustration and sometimes unabated mad at the world. In football he can gather up a lot of it and throw it out...leaving it somewhere between the hash marks. As long as he doesn't get hurt and/or we have insurance. Yes it's the over protective mother in me. I can't help it. Because we are both big (Go Packers---except he's a Lions fan) fans of the game, we found a restaurant that plays all NFL games every weekend. The management either fell in love with him and/or felt sorry for his Lions fanness and, most weekends, seat him in his own private section with sound, to watch the game. I am forced to watch the Packer game, without sound, on a side screen.

Nicole spent the winter with us. She's I guess what you would call an anti-college student. Spends the winters off, and works the summers at Cedar Point. As usual, she lands on her feet and was promoted to a supervisory position. I can only hope that one day she will revisit the hallowed halls of an institute for higher education. This year, at least, I talked her into getting health insurance through her job.

Me? I've been working a few hours at the corner store. To get out of the house and meet new people. And what people I have met. In three hours at the store, one can learn that A. most people hire someone else to do their lawns (they all heat up their lunch here), B. A lot of my neighbors enjoy a beer...or 24 every day, and C. There's a reason why many convenience stores only allow employees to use the bathroom.

Well, that lasted for a very long time...

Blogging was helpful for me. And then I began to feel as if it was too much navel gazing and not enough action. So I acted. And made lots of mistakes and found out I was actually acting, and not living. I have, over the past 12 months, been in a suspended state. Living without really putting the effort forth. I realized then that blogging was more than just writing down just how awful things could be. It was a way to work through (or attempt to work through) the grief, the pain, the fear.

And so...

Here I am again. I hope you'll still have me.

No Nightmares here

I took James to see the new "Nightmare on Elm Street" last night. Note to parents of tweens-there's no nudity, a few scenes with the "F" word, and a few scenes of extreme gore. It was okay. Well, no it wasn't because I am not much of a blood and gore horror movie fan. Give me old Dracula movies with Bella Lugosi any day. That said, what never ceases to amaze me is how often people talk, OUT LOUD, during a movie. I rarely make a comment but it is frustrating to sit next to someone who is chatting with their friends and TEXTING on their little brightened screen that keeps pulling my attention from the movie. Yes, I am one of "those people" who wishes you would talk with your friends before/after the movie and not make me an unwitting participant in what "Joe told Kelly yesterday..." That's not to say that I mind someone saying,"Don't give her the shot! Then she'll fall asleep and be dead!" I don't mind that at all. It's someone talking to the movie, about the movie...and it's actually pretty funny, most of the time.

James swore he wasn't going to fall asleep, then fell promptly to sleep on the car ride home. Those of you who know James well know how much fun I had dragging my little sleep walkin', sleep talkin' (er yelling) man into the house.

Today, I am being rather lazy. We are down to staples for groceries and I think we'll stay that way til at least Monday. I am trying to get a bit of ChaCha guiding in. Except one can only handle the word "Wat" (should have been what) so many times.

It is hot here in Texas World, which could mean a dip in the pool later on. If I remember where I put my swimsuit.

It's...um...April, that's right April!

And that has been the toughest adjustment, in some ways, to life in Texas. Being smack dab in the middle of April and thinking it is June. I took James to a Houston Astros game on Friday night (they do fireworks and we love them!) and, sitting there in the warm breeze, it felt so much like a balmy, perfect June evening...in Michigan. I am not complaining. It just messes with one's sense of time, when one has had issues with that her whole life anyway.

James and I played football in the yard tonight. Well, we played catch and he ran routes that he made up and gave to me. Yes, my young son has been sucked into the massive machine that is the Texas youth football program. It is daunting, and yet seeing the sparkle in his eyes is a good thing. When I'm not obsessing over the types of injuries that can be had on the field. I love, LOVE watching football. I am not so sure that I will love, LOVE watching my son play. We'll see. For now, it's fun to toss the football back and forth and, every once in a while, get a "Hey, that was an awesome throw, Mom!" in return for my efforts. He is fun. He makes things fun.

My mom and grandma are coming down for a few weeks in the middle of May. I am really happy they are coming down, and yet sad because my dad was planning on coming down at the end of May. I cannot have everything and dealing will have to be done I guess. I am hoping Grandma is cheerful and a good time is had. I have been stressing myself with worry-financial what ifs and the like. Living in the moment is not a strong point of mine and some days I just wish for either A. do the things you planned on getting done or B. don't get them done but don't beat yourself up over it. I'll let you know how that goes.

A mushy post about my son

I am sitting here, at the breakfast bar, looking at my son's to do list. No, I didn't assign him chores. He assigned them himself.

In lopsided printing it goes something like this (words in parenthesis are my additions):

My Chores

1. Straighten ("Mom, how do you spell straighten?) room every day.
2. Clean/scrub my bathroom once a week.
3. Mow lawn and do outside work once a week.

Both Things (meaning both of us)

Go through boxes (hey, don't judge...it's only been a year and 4 months!)

Mom's things

Everything else there is to do.

---------------------------------------

I am honored to have this child in my life. While it is a struggle to (almost have to) force him to be a little boy, the things he does around the house to help out are amazing. I never have to worry about what a guest might find in that bathroom. I know where all of his laundry is on laundry day. These are the best parts of his daddy that I am watching come through in his son. Leonard would be so proud. Now if I could only get him to let go of the uber responsibility streak (the worst part of his daddy) I would be a happy girl.

Nicole (it is so difficult to speak of her without missing her) is going back for a second year at "the Point" as a ride host. "The Point" is Cedar Point for those who do not live in or near the Great Lakes area. While I wish she would go back to school...she is happy.

I wind this up with a shout out to my friend Rach, who is a new mommy, again, to a beautiful baby girl. Welcome to the world Eleanor. You could not have been born into a more wonderful family.

Patty

Patty just came down for a visit. She is my best friend, almost sister, and Jimminy Cricket. We met when our daughters were both involved in Destination Imagination and she was their coach. I met her once, picking up Nicole, and then noticed that we kept running into each other at the same stores...buying the same things. Our daughters became fast friends, and so too did we. It took many months, but I finally was able to convince Leonard to meet them. He and Luke, her husband, were soon inseparable Star Trek/Computer/Card Geeks. We liked to call them the Moron twins. He is the one who found my husband. Because I asked him to.

Our daughters have grown and their friendship has waned. Patty is still the sister I always wanted but my parents never agreed to. She is the peas to my carrots...even though I hate peas. We think alike on most things, and disagree on a few. We can argue and still hug each other when the leaving time comes.

I still have her cup on the counter where she left it on the morning they departed.
It is hard to say goodbye again, and yet, in some ways, it is hard to see them too. When they are here there are the 3 of us adults. And someone is always missing. But I would not trade visits from them for the world. I am lucky that they will make the trek down here when so many in my own family find it too much, too long... too sad... too. They are the neutral ground that I chose to stay at when I go up to Michigan. This way, no feelings are hurt with family for I am staying with framily instead. I can't wait for July.

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to call an old friend even if you're still mad at her.
Sometimes you have to do the same with your mother.
Sometimes you are going to be the only person on earth who really understands your daughter.
Sometimes it is the same with your son.
Sometimes you have to cry, and rant, and then scream, with the shower running so as not to scare your son.
Sometimes you have to laugh, and laugh, and then cry from laughter with that son.
Sometimes you will think that life isn't fair.
Sometimes you will realize that you were really lucky.
Sometimes tomorrow seems insurmountable, while today seems like it didn't get here yet.
Sometimes you will hate the mere act of throwing back a blanket on the couch and declaring nap over, and
Sometimes you won't know what to do once that blanket's gone.
Sometimes you will.
Sometimes.

Dancing with the Stars...and Feeling like a Fatty.

Is it just me or does everyone want to get up and swirl around the room while watching this show? Is it just me or is everyone hoping that Kate G (is for however you spell her last name, and I don't want to add to Google hits anyway) will not advance very far? And Buzz Aldren...can we please let him win because...well, just because.

Anyway, I love this show. Even though it always makes me feel fat and inadequate and incapable of swirling around a dance floor.

Which brings me to a memory/story. Leonard had a boss who loved to dance to big band music. This man was 75, had emphysema, and still would foxtrot around the dance floor with his wife like a kid. He was more of a mentor/father he never had to my husband. When Leonard and I got married, he told him that he would foot the bill because more young people needed to learn how to dance properly. After a few years, we did. Sign up that is. And we were the only couple who signed up because dancing wasn't "in" at the adult ed center. We were told that couples were taking cooking classes, not dancing, and would we like to switch. Who wants to go learn how to cook, after cooking dinner for a family of four?

We set it aside. Enter "Dancing With the Stars" Leonard and I only watched the first season, but, midway through, we decided that maybe this would jump start the dance classes in Adult Ed. We were on a wait list for 2.5 years and never did take those classes.

So I didn't send out the Christmas Cards...

...I basically breathed myself through the holidays and the weeks that came after. I think it has been so horrid of late because Texas is a bit more cold and miserable than it normally is at this time of year. I don't do well with clouds and doom.
My dad's been here for 3 weeks. We send him off back to Michigan tomorrow but I'm going to make like Katie Scarlett and think about that tomorrow.

The People That You Forget (or didn't think you had) to Buy For.

This is already happening to me and it is not even *close* (hey, a week is like a month for someone like me who procrastinates) yet. I thought I was done shopping on Friday. Twice today I have had to add on to the list that I had already folded up and put into a drawer (as a reminder who to buy for next year). Thank heavens for little birdies letting me know about things. Why, oh why do we let ourselves get all twisted up over this?

I am attempting, for the first time since, to send out Christmas cards. It horrifies me to think that there are people I consider friends that probably don't realize I moved a year ago.

yes...

It has been a year. Sometimes that seems so short. Sometimes so long. It hasn't been as perfect as I dreamed on those nights that I dreamed of running away, but it has been the right thing. For us.

My father was readmitted to the hospital last night. He felt another reaction coming on so he hopped in the car, drove to the hospital and (this is the part that makes me smile) used his EpiPen in the lot. Why? Because he was afraid of having a reaction to the EpiPen. For some reason this makes me smile. He will be okay. Because he has to be.

What Laura did Next

I always wanted to use that title (from one of my favorite ever books as a kid: "What Katy Did" and What Katy Did Next"). This is what I've been didding...er...doing... Well, I did it once and I kind of like it.

Find it here

It's C-c-c-o-l-d in Texas

And I'm not talking about the "oh, your blood has just thinned out so much that a 60 degree day is cold to you" kind of cold. I'm talking about a "dang, its 38 degrees out and I haven't turned on the furnace and perhaps I should" kind of cold. Or a "OMG, it's forecasted to snow in Houston tomorrow" kind of cold. Take your pick. And I hate this kind of cold. I feel like I'm being duped. Yes, luckily, it is temporary. I hope.

My dad is doing okay. He's leaving on Saturday but we're not going to think about that right now. James buggered me into putting up the tree so we'll think about that right now. We'll think about that and how one of the kittens is being a very good girl about the whole thing and one of the kittens (we won't name names but it's Bella, the calico) cannot seem to help herself and sneaks over to first, sit under the tree, then, brush whiskers against the tree. This is soon followed by hesitant little bats at the ornamaments...finishing with wholesale, candy cane ripping, glass shattering cat attack. No, she hasn't climbed it-yet-but let's just say that I fully expect to wake up to that one of these mornings.

Let's Try Thanksgiving again.

I finally made a turkey this year. And we finally sat down with my dad, James and I, and had dinner. To say that it was a bit exhausting after the driving, and the worrying, and the...well, the mess of it all would be to put it out of perspective. It just was. That's okay. I am thankful that my dad is well (?) and here. The question mark is because he had an incident where his lip swelled up again halfway through the drive back down. We drove straight through and it is a bit disconcerting to have that happen, especially when the person experiencing it had been on a ventilator only days beforehand. I mentally kicked myself for the rest of the drive. I should not have agreed to let him come back down with us. And yet I am glad he is here with us.

So all is ending well. Which is something to be thankful (again and again) for. I cannot and will not imagine what my life would be like without my dad.

James went back to school today without even an argument, not even an "I'm tired, because you kept me up to late, fed me the wrong dinner, hate me and want to see me miserable..." argument. Another thing to be thankful for.

Thoughts turn to putting up the tree and putting something underneath it. Also, how to keep kittens from wanting to perch among the branches. I can just tell that these two kittens of mine will be fascinated by it all. I am hoping to jinx myself into something different by posting that here.

Going Home

That could mean so many things, but I am not sure if Michigan is my home, Texas...or no place at all.

Poppy is better. They are pretty sure it was a reaction to his hbp meds. He's coughing a bit, and swelled up from steroids, but otherwise fine. He is going to drive home with us for a week and then fly back. I'm happy about that, but also sad because it means he won't be down for Christmas.

It's amazing how many people we were able to see these past few days here, after Poppy got out of the hospital. My mother was mad because I would not leave to spend Thanksgiving with her and my aunt and uncle, 2 hours away, but I wasn't here for anything other than to make sure my dad was okay. I did manage to see her tonight. So, my name isn't total Mudd.

I am sleepy, disjointed and I am sure this isn't making much sense. I'll log in after I get home and have a straighter head. Thanks everyone, for thinking of us.