Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Half Days

James had a half day today. Yaaay! I only had to count off 3 hours before he was back. The house is so quiet when the kids are not home. He is doing so well that it lifts my mood when he is here, although I am trying to be careful not to put so much on his small shoulders. He is a happy boy, along with serious and sentimental, and I'm trying to keep him that way. I saw the damage that my husband's parents did to him up close and I don't want that to be our story.

I spend most of my time trying to either make time go backwards or speed it up past the holidays. I detest even running to Walgreen's for prescriptions or milk. The very stuff I used to love, to the ire of those who hate early Christmas decorations, appear to taunt me. Why can't we just skip forward (or preferably back) to summer? I thought about going to CA for the days immediately following Christmas. I have brothers in LA and I really want to "run away" again for those days. I would stay here, for the sake of my in laws and my children, for the actual holiday and then leave sometime after the 25th. But, my plans received lukewarm reception from my brothers so I am beginning to think we are stuck here. My son wants to buy a real tree again. Remind me because I have a positively hysterical story about the very first time my husband brought a real tree into this fake girl's life. I will share it sometime. We don't have the pickup anymore so getting it would be tough. I also dread seeing it, have no clue how to use the chain saw for proper disposal (which included my husband starting a huge, pine scented bonfire in the back yard).

Every year my husband would go out and buy one gift for each of the kids that was just from him. Picked out by him and purchased. Last year they were ornaments. A tree for James because "you always come with me to get the tree" and a church for Nicole "because you go to a Catholic school". As the years passed, I became witness to my husband falling in love with holidays that he had once detested. Moving from handing me something in a brown paper bag, to wrapping my presents and then writing on them with a Sharpie...and on to last year, a tag on every one. And he would want me to open them early, although I never did. And I will never forget the Christmas he went and got my old stocking (it was actually a Christmas-y pair of bloomers that were made for the purpose) and filled it with candles. Just that one year...because I always made him one. These are the things that I won't be able to handle as these holidays approach.

I am off to spend some time with James. Quality time. Thanks so much for continuing with your positive comments and your support. I treasure that.

10 comments:

The Stevens Family said...

Have fun spending time with James. I hope your day is filled with "upness"

Tessie said...

My husband introduced me to real trees too except he made the mistake of putting me in charge of tree maintenance, which obviously...did not end well.

Michele said...

A dear friend of mine lost her mother a few years ago. She died rather young and quickly and left a huge gaping black hole in the family. They all dreaded the approach of the holidays and wanted to skip it altogether, except that there were two grandchildren to think of, two grandchildren who very much needed to do what was normal and fun about Christmas after all of the painful grieveing they had witnessed in their parents and aunts and uncles and grandfather. So they soldiered on, doing the basics (tree, dinner, many toys for the kids) and skipped what hurt the most (Midnight mass, and the fancy Christmas breakfast her mother always made) and instead had a Christmas eve movie fest at home and ate candy and cold pizza for breakfast. It still hurt, but they got throught it. Now, several years later, the movie night and the cold pizza and candy are their new "traditions". Post Mom.
It sucks, but it will start to suck less eventually. Maybe you and the kids can create your own new tradition this year, and focus on that instead of all of the empty spots.
Still sucks.

Shari said...

That sounds like a good idea from Michele. A new tradition. I know that there will be a painful void without him. I can understand your wanting to "run away".

Thanks for sharing.

Have a great time with James.

God bless and take care.

The girl left behind said...

Christmas has always been "the most wonderful time of the year" for me, but last year I just didn't care. I got a wreath, and fortunately have a short gift list to buy for, and that was that.

This year, I'm already thinking about it. I might put up the tree. On the one hand, I'm feeling like I might like to have Christmas; on the other, I'm still not sure. I guess I'll know when I know. So will you.

Hugs.

Gina said...

I hope the two of you had a good day together, my dear.

Betts4 said...

I am not looking forward to the holidays after the pain of a wedding anniversary and two birthdays. But I am going to incorporate this into my holiday coming up.

http://www.griefsjourney.com/index.php?module=pagemaster&PAGE_user_op=view_page&PAGE_id=5

Shari said...

Laura,

I've nominated you for an award. :)

I hope you had a great day with James.

Emblita said...

Thanks for sharing some of your beautiful memories of your pretty darn wonderful husband.
I'm sure that you will manage to make new traditions with your kids, like Michele talked about.
Hope you had a fab day with James, he seems like a great kid :)

rachd said...

Hi Honey!

I always check on you from work, but I'm unable to leave comments. And then, I mean to come home and comment and wind up falling asleep instead.

Yes, the holidays are going to be torture this year. Have you considered doing something completely different with you and the kids? Something new to start new traditions? I think that's where we are with Lily. We're thinking about starting new traditions with her and creating new memories.

I think of you EVERYDAY and pray for you all the time. You are so often in my thoughts.

HUGS!