Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Little Pieces

I meant to share a happy story with you today-my/our wedding day (thank you Swistle, for the idea), but the day unraveled, I didn't get my entry in before the children came home, and now (I confess) I am writing as a way to "count to 10" out of anger, frustration, and deep sadness.
When there was 4 of us, parenting was tough...okay, it sucked still a lot of the time... but it wasn't what it is now. Now consists of my son not wanting to do his homework. Leonard would sit him down, before, and tell him to get it done and out of the way so he could play. For some reason that does not work when it comes out of Mama's mouth. Every day becomes a struggle. It starts with goofing off, quickly launches into him muttering and breathing heavy and breaking pencils, and continues on until...well until he runs sobbing and shouting to his room. I don't have any energy. I just want peace. And, when there is homework there is none. It is being transported back to the terrible twos, only I can't pick him up and hold him still while the tantrum subsides anymore. I can only get teary eyed, plead with him, and then beg him to respect the things his father said to him. I did it. And it hurt. I told the children that their behavior was disrespectful to the man who loved them most and only wanted what was best for them. I told them it was hurting me, it was them pulling me apart, as surely as if they each had a grasp on each of my arms....and also my heart, if it was still there. In short, I lost it. I am failing horribly at this single mom thing.
The part that hurts most is that, with the exception of the occasional drama brought forth by my daughter or the sometimes tantrums (that were quickly quelled by stern words from his father) of my son, peace, tranquillity and love used to be the bricks of my home. For the first time tonight I felt like running from my own children. I am's not the first time. It's the first time that I actually put my shoes on.
All that was once so right, the things I took for granted, is now so very wrong. Fixing it with the help of a "father figure" (my dad, my brother in law, uncles etc) doesn't appear to help. They need their father. He was our rock. I am just the wind blowing around.
I promise---okay, not promise, but hope--- that tomorrow I can clearly and level headedly relate to you the events and quirkiness of the best day of my life.
On the plus-make-a-sad-girl-happy-side, Shari (Thank you Shari for teaching me how to hyperlink.) gave me a wonderful award today, The Colours of Friendship, which really made my day. I can't wait to get my head on straight and hand them out to some of the many wonderful women and men I have met...and who have helped me along this saddest path of my life. You are all truly wonderful people and I am glad to call you friends. And this coming from a girl who used to cynically smirk at those who claimed close internet friendships. I was wrong. So wrong.


rachd said...

Oh, goodness, I hadn't thought about the parenting side of your loss. I can only imagine it is just dreadful.

There were times when I would look at B and ask, "Can't I just be her friend?? It's so much easier than being the Mommy!" about Han. Parenting is one Hell of a job, and you are doing your best. Hang in there. I'm praying for you. :o)


Anonymous said...

I love you, L...You know that. I am with you every step of this. So is Mike. We are here, witnessing and supporting you from afar. Please know that there are these two people out on the east coast that are feeling your pain every day, and hoping for better times for you, Nic, and James. Please be in touch when you feel up to it. You're my special midwest girl, always.


ps- you're the toughest, strongest chica I"v ever known *hug*

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

Try not to be so hard on yourself for giving the kids a small dose of your reality. Perhaps they need to hear it for some real understanding to kick in. Afterall, you are protecting their biggest supporter - you!

Being a *single* parent sucks - being an *only* parent can only suck all the more.

I look forward to your wedding story.


Laurie said...

This is another hard part of all this that I hadn't really thought about Laura. I am so sorry it is so difficult for all of you, but especially you. I hope they listened to what came from your heart tonight.
They need to know you are lost and trying to find your way for all 3 of you right now. You didn't lose it Laura, it probably just hurts having to tell them the truth. I am proud of you for this, hard as it is. Prayers are plenty for you tonight and I hope sweet rest is all over you. Take care friend, I love you.

Laurie in Ca.

Swistle said...

Too soon for report cards on the single parenting thing. It would take a lot of time to work that out even if you weren't also suffering badly. I think again and again of the "broken bones" analogy: if you emotional injuries were physical, you'd be in a full body cast in a hospital bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, and no one would think it was weird that it was difficult for you to work on your son's homework with him.

I wonder--a note to the teacher, explaining that you are really struggling with him on this? The teacher might have ideas. And if the teacher has no ideas, this might at least let him/her know that there's an issue.

Jess T said...


Don't be so hard on yourself. You guys are going through a huge adjustment phase right now. Just keep in mind that dust always settles eventually and you will have it figured out.

Until then, keep the dust mask and goggles on and walk slowly. You will make it through.

Thinking of you,

The Stevens Family said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, sometimes to have people snap out of their selfish behaviors, they need a dose of reality.

Also, you have said you were worried about your daughter not dealing with it and how well your son is. Maybe this is their way of dealing with it. Talk to them, maybe it will cause some resolution. Talk before it escalates though.


Marsha said...

We had a lot of trouble with homework at this age too. We ended up in quite a few screaming, door slamming episodes, and I wasn't grieving at the time, wasn't a single parent at the time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

What worked for us was suggested by the teacher. We did a reward chart, if she did homework without complaint she got a star, five stars she got a prize. No homework=no tv. She hated that, the no tv works everytime at my house. I had to enforce the no tv, maybe 5 or 6 times before she believed me. After that problem solved. But, then it was something else, bedtime, or talking back. It is a hard age.

Gina said...

Being a single mom is tough, not to mention the tragic circumstances that created the situation.

Hugs to you this day, my friend. I am sure it is a hard one for you.

Kathy said...

Parenting was the most difficult job I've ever had. I have no advice, I was not very good at parenting. The good news is that they turned out pretty good anyways. Your home is no longer the safe refuge it once was, but just by reading your words Laura, I have Faith that it will be again one day. I look forward to you sharing your wedding day!

M said...

If you need a place to visit, my house will be ready soon and there will always be a room there for you. Come south when you need a place to run to, I can't offer much more than a room, a nice view and a shoulder.
you and the kids are in my prayers
much love