It is going to storm...or so it looks. I was taking the bags of leaves (there ended up being 8) out to the curb for pickup tomorrow and noticed that the lawn, again, is carpeted with maple leaves. The tree in the back still is covered with leaves. It is a never ending fall chore. One that I've always disliked and dislike even more now.
My father came over to visit before he took the drive out to Lansing to spend one last day with his brother. For the past couple of days I have been wanting to speak to him about a few things. Or even just talk. But when I talk, he isn't really listening. Too many "huh's" or "what's"...and then I tire of speaking at all.
Yesterday I spent the early part of the day at my brother in law's house. My son was begging to play with his cousin so we went. It is good to see my son having such a good time with his cousin (they have an entire room filled with Lego "bases" and they do mock missions). I was able to manage a semblance of conversation. My brother in law wants to "move on". However one does that. I understand-Leonard wasn't his every day, and hadn't been for a long time. I went out to Michael's (craft store) with my sister-in-law. She needed to buy some Thanksgiving crafty type things. I found a basked that perfectly matched our living room rug down the the shade of the colors...so I bought it...strictly so my sister in law had company...of course. I have no idea what I will do with it but it was 70% off.
After we left their house, I went over to my mother's house to see my aunt and uncle one last time. He wanted to take everyone out to dinner. He loves buffets (blech) so we ended up at "Old Country Buffet". They were busy and asked if we minded sitting back to back in two booths. I thought we would wait for a table, seeing as these are two people we don't get to see very often, but everyone else appeared fine with it. My mother sat with my aunt and my grandmother. I sat with my children and my uncle. It is hard to attempt to eat when one doesn't feel like it...and then being at a buffet...oy. My uncle ate enough to make it worthwhile and my son ate more than I have ever witnessed him eat in one sitting. While we were sitting there, I began hearing snippets of my mother's conversation. Mind you, this is the mother I have spoken of in the past. The one I have always had troubles with. The one who always claimed we were "never there for her". The one who wanted me, a grown woman, to choose sides in their divorce. The one I realized I could manage only because I had Leonard to vent to, lean on, and focus on. The one it hurts to be around now. The one who just got back from a 10 day cruise that she didn't tell us she was going on because "we don't care". She is also the daughter of the grandmother I have spoken of. The apple fell right to the bottom of the tree and stayed there. Only they don't see it...just the rest of Michigan does. To get us back on track my mom, who has been gone a good part of the last two months, began talking in "hushed tones" (think church whisper here) about "how she (meaning me) is doing..." Right there, right behind me, right where I could hear. Now, I am not so obtuse as to think that people don't talk about me and "how I am doing", but mostly one would think it would not be in earshot. She went on to talk about what I was thinking. How can someone do that? I am invisible. It feels as such. The one person who made me feel alive, and real, and worthwhile has left me.
I just really don't want to do this. I want to fall asleep and have it be three months ago, so things can be changed. It is what I have been begging the heavens for every night. I don't belong, I don't fit in... He made me special. He made me loved. He made me real. The things that people saw and liked in me were encourage by him. Without him, I am not doing anything. I dread the days I have to work...have to talk to people. I dread when my daughter comes home. I cannot manage sustained drama for very long. There is no respect there for mom. Only wants, which differ from the needs that I attempt to provide for. It begins to wear a person down.