Or maybe not, with the time change.
We did make it out to Lansing and back. No one told me that it was the BIG Michigan v. State game today and that the freeway would be backed up...until this morning that is. Or, technically yesterday morning. It took forever to get to our exit, which happened to be the stadium exit. Happy us. It was a melancholy drive out, remembering my last trip out with Leonard last Memorial Day for a cookout with them. So many things hurt. Too many things hurt. And it's a stabbing, killing pain. All the while trying to maintain a game face for my son. My daughter came out later with my dad.
It was good, and difficult to see them. To walk up to their door-just me and James. It is being so lonely and wretched while surrounded by people. It is reminiscing and smiling and crying and yearning. It was being glad and jealous, all at the same time, for my cousin's happy marriage... the same for my aunt and uncle's long and lasting (filled with hugs and kisses) marriage. It was a lot of tears. It was thinking back on the could have, would have, should haves...reliving the last moments/days of his life for the family that hadn't heard it yet. Playing the DVD of his beautiful face set to his favorite songs...a montage of him, us, ours, gone. And the tape of the service, which is so unbearable to watch.
Driving home, I yearned for his hand in mine, or rubbing my shoulders as he often did on long rides. Of banging the steering wheel in frustration after my little boy cried himself to sleep-today was a bad, missing daddy day. Of knowing that the house would be cold and dark, and that I cannot bring that light and warmth back. I wasn't going to cuddle up in bed with my love, share a few thoughts about the day, love each other up, and fall asleep warm and satisfied. Of knowing that I will quietly cry myself to sleep.