Sunday, November 4, 2007

Technically, it's Sunday morning.

Or maybe not, with the time change.

We did make it out to Lansing and back. No one told me that it was the BIG Michigan v. State game today and that the freeway would be backed up...until this morning that is. Or, technically yesterday morning. It took forever to get to our exit, which happened to be the stadium exit. Happy us. It was a melancholy drive out, remembering my last trip out with Leonard last Memorial Day for a cookout with them. So many things hurt. Too many things hurt. And it's a stabbing, killing pain. All the while trying to maintain a game face for my son. My daughter came out later with my dad.

It was good, and difficult to see them. To walk up to their door-just me and James. It is being so lonely and wretched while surrounded by people. It is reminiscing and smiling and crying and yearning. It was being glad and jealous, all at the same time, for my cousin's happy marriage... the same for my aunt and uncle's long and lasting (filled with hugs and kisses) marriage. It was a lot of tears. It was thinking back on the could have, would have, should haves...reliving the last moments/days of his life for the family that hadn't heard it yet. Playing the DVD of his beautiful face set to his favorite songs...a montage of him, us, ours, gone. And the tape of the service, which is so unbearable to watch.

Driving home, I yearned for his hand in mine, or rubbing my shoulders as he often did on long rides. Of banging the steering wheel in frustration after my little boy cried himself to sleep-today was a bad, missing daddy day. Of knowing that the house would be cold and dark, and that I cannot bring that light and warmth back. I wasn't going to cuddle up in bed with my love, share a few thoughts about the day, love each other up, and fall asleep warm and satisfied. Of knowing that I will quietly cry myself to sleep.

11 comments:

Kathy said...

The cold, dark house... that is so lonely. I am so sorry.
Stopping in to say hello, I am thinking of you and your children.
I recall the traffic in Mich. Was it worse than heading 'upnorth' on 75 on a Friday?

Laurie said...

Once again, I am so sorry for all of the feelings of loss you endured while seeing lives going on all around you. There is no way around it except going through it and you have taken another step forward Laura, a painful one but a forward one. You are doing the very best you can right now and I admire your courage. I read somewhere that "Courage does not always roar like a lion, sometimes it is the still small voice that whispers 'I will try again tomorrow". This is the courage I see in you. I am so sorry for the cold, dark house. I am praying for you and your children to continue getting through these tough days and that a new hope is around the bend for you soon. Thank
you for continuing to share your heart Laura, you are loved.

Laurie in Ca.

Gina said...

I am so sorry, my friend. I am so sorry that your son was having a "daddy missing day." I can only hope that as time goes by, things will get a bit easier for all of you.

Karen MEG said...

That trip sounds like it was so bittersweet. At times like this it is very important to have family around, but it must also be very difficult at the same time.
I hope that light and warmth comes back into your home soon; it will just take some time. It will be different I'm sure, but it will come.

Angie said...

Laura,
I can't imagine how lonely that must feel. I imagine my mom probaby feels the same way. She had a pillow made out of one of my dads shirts. She sleeps with that and his watch every night. Not much of a replacement, but I think it gives her some comfort.
Hours ago, I found out that my niece, who is just 7 days younger than me, died. She has a daughter Olivia's age. I'm not sure what happened, but I am aching for my sister right now, having to bury her child. Hold your children as tight as you can. I'll be thinking of you.

Shari said...

I am so sorry that it's still so hard. We really don't know what it's like until we live it. Thank you for being so honest. We all have trials we endure and only those who really walk in the same shoes understand. I try to. Likewise, people can only try to understand what living is like with any condition or hardship.

Take care. Prayers and thoughts are continuously being sent throughout the day. :)

Cherry said...

HUGZ!!!

Jess T said...

Thinking of you!
Jess

Betts4 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Betts4 said...

Sending thoughts your way. It sounds like we both had a memory filled, tear filled, even some laughter filled weekend.

Friends and family are there for you and that can help. You say you were not the one to keeping in touch. Neither was I. I am now taking over Jim's reins of calling some relatives each week on a section of Sunday when I am not doing anything. It helps me and I think it helps them. Jim's brother died 2 months before him and his wife told me a couple weeks ago as we talked that no one from his side of the family ever called her after his death...except Jim.

I don't think I could be as brave as you and watch a tape. It was hard just to look at wedding pictures. I know that you and I want the same things. Our husbands. It is so hard. So very hard.

rbnyc said...

Still thinking of you every day. Still wishing I could change the world for you. Still awed by your strength and your beauty and your voice. Still grateful for all the kindness, encouragement and wisdom you've shared with me over the years.

Still Here,

RBNYC