Today I went out to rake the yard. The results of which were not so good. This picture (of the back yard is after 4 bags were already filled). Note the tinyish back yard, which always looks more cramped and icky in photographs. See the big circle of dead grass? That's where Leonard set up the ginormous "quickset" (heheheh...quick...hehehe) pool for James that I had asked his Uncle not to get for him. That is where I am thinking of putting in a garden next year with the children, using the stone that is in my living room (see previous post) Grass appears to have extreme difficulty growing in our backyard...perhaps plants will do better. (hehehe...again... plants and me and growth...I don't think so).
This next picture is of the front yard...well, of the stone in the front yard that came with the baby Japanese Maple from our old next door neighbors (also known as Leonard's cousin and his wife). They remembered how upset I was that the new owner had moved the one living thing I had cultivated from a little tiny seedling to a grown adult...a Japanese Maple. They moved it, and didn't dig a big enough hole for the root ball and sank it too far into the ground and it was dead within a month. Beth, remembering this, sent this maple and the stone to the Funeral Home. I love it and I hate it all in one. The stone is in the front, because I wanted the maple in the front... and I feel like it is marking our house with a big sign,"Here dwells intense sadness... where once there was immense love..." But, I wanted to plant it because it was so nice of them to think of us. Only it looks so final...so gravestone-ish. And that is a rough thing to deal with when one is trying to run from reality.
Our daughter is going on a senior retreat tonight, and won't be back until Wednesday. It is a very scary thing to let your children go and do things when tragedy has already struck once. I cannot smother them. I must not smother them.
They deserve normal...as normal as it can be. They do not deserve to come home and find me sobbing in the basement, as my daughter did today. They do not deserve half hearted dinners, "were going to be late" rushing around mornings, weekends filled with Mom in her pajamas...again.
Tonight I am going to take James to get a winter coat. Somehow I ended up with a $59.00 credit on my Old Navy credit card and Old Navy currently has a 40% off sale on winter coats. So, it will almost be like it's free...if I hadn't already paid for it. On the dinner side of things, I have some honey butter baked salmon in the oven and we will have macaroni and cheese as well. My daughter has just informed me that she "doesn't feel like fish..." She better start feeling like it because it is what it is.