Monday, November 12, 2007

How much longer until bedtime?

Today I went out to rake the yard. The results of which were not so good. This picture (of the back yard is after 4 bags were already filled). Note the tinyish back yard, which always looks more cramped and icky in photographs. See the big circle of dead grass? That's where Leonard set up the ginormous "quickset" (heheheh...quick...hehehe) pool for James that I had asked his Uncle not to get for him. That is where I am thinking of putting in a garden next year with the children, using the stone that is in my living room (see previous post) Grass appears to have extreme difficulty growing in our backyard...perhaps plants will do better. (hehehe...again... plants and me and growth...I don't think so).

This next picture is of the front yard...well, of the stone in the front yard that came with the baby Japanese Maple from our old next door neighbors (also known as Leonard's cousin and his wife). They remembered how upset I was that the new owner had moved the one living thing I had cultivated from a little tiny seedling to a grown adult...a Japanese Maple. They moved it, and didn't dig a big enough hole for the root ball and sank it too far into the ground and it was dead within a month. Beth, remembering this, sent this maple and the stone to the Funeral Home. I love it and I hate it all in one. The stone is in the front, because I wanted the maple in the front... and I feel like it is marking our house with a big sign,"Here dwells intense sadness... where once there was immense love..." But, I wanted to plant it because it was so nice of them to think of us. Only it looks so gravestone-ish. And that is a rough thing to deal with when one is trying to run from reality.
Our daughter is going on a senior retreat tonight, and won't be back until Wednesday. It is a very scary thing to let your children go and do things when tragedy has already struck once. I cannot smother them. I must not smother them.

They deserve normal as it can be. They do not deserve to come home and find me sobbing in the basement, as my daughter did today. They do not deserve half hearted dinners, "were going to be late" rushing around mornings, weekends filled with Mom in her pajamas...again.

Tonight I am going to take James to get a winter coat. Somehow I ended up with a $59.00 credit on my Old Navy credit card and Old Navy currently has a 40% off sale on winter coats. So, it will almost be like it's free...if I hadn't already paid for it. On the dinner side of things, I have some honey butter baked salmon in the oven and we will have macaroni and cheese as well. My daughter has just informed me that she "doesn't feel like fish..." She better start feeling like it because it is what it is.


J at said...

I think that while your children do deserve normal, they also deserve to witness real pain and anguish. They feel it too, and while they need you, they also need to know how much you loved their father, that he is not easily forgotten or replaced. If you were to put on a happy face for them, they might think you are really happy, and wonder how you can be happy without their dad there.

You will be happy again, I suspect all of you will, but it will take time, and there will always be a hole in your life, in their lives, and moments that should have been merely joyous will now be joyous and poignant because of that hole. That fact cannot be ignored or wished away, as much as we might like to.

My grandmother lost her first husband when she was only 27, within a few years of losing her first son, and then lost another husband and another child later in life. She still has joy and laughter in her life, but it did not happen overnight, and she still misses them bitterly, and does not deny that the world would have been a better place had they not died. None of this "The world is best as it is" crap.

Hope she likes the fish. Or maybe she could just have the m&c?

Gina said...

Whenever someone tells me "I don't feel like fish/chicken/whatever" I go up to them and start pushing their arm and telling them that they do.

I'm annoying, I know.

Laurie said...

Ah, leaves, leaves and more leaves. I have a huge pine tree in my backyard and it is never ending raking. Sometimes I wait for weeks and the wind to blow most of it down, then rake it. I think when you do your garden next year, you will enjoy putting personal touches in it. Please don't feel you have to hide your feelings from your kids. They need to see their mom who is real and missing Leonard, the same person they are missing.
Nichole will be fine going to her retreat and it might be really good for her too. "Doesn't feel like fish" hmmmm. No comment there.:) It sounds like a teenage thing to me.
Have a good restful night Laura and I think you are doing good, as much as you can and the color in those leaves in the second picture looks almost fake, they are beautiful. So are you, inside and out.

Laurie in Ca.

The girl left behind said...

Well, I guess tomorrow night she can cook for the family what SHE feels like. There was only one thing my mother wanted to hear about the dinner she cooked, and that was "Thank you." You griped at your extreme peril. :)

Angie said...

Ohh..Honey butter salmon. Can you send me that recipe? Sounds delish. I love the idea of planting a tree. It can be like a living memorial.
Look at the cooked dinner, you're getting out of bed in the morning (even if you are late.) You're doing your best. Try to remember that. BTW..I'm glad my post made you laugh!

Kathy said...

You made me smile a big smile with your last statement! Teenage girls grow up, get lives of their own, daughters of their own, THEN they call and beg forgiveness because their daughters repeat the cycle! makes me smile!
I do miss the Michigan fall colors, but not the leaf raking.....

Shari said...

I remember the leaves when I was growing up. So many leaves. My grandfather loved wood. He planted trees all over our yard. He liked to make things with wood, too. It did seem like a never-ending job to rake the leaves.

Now I only have one big maple tree in the front yard by the street. No trees in the back, but the neighbors leaves do tumble in our yard to say "hi" and even stick around. :)

My youngest is a really picky eater and she'll only eat "a little bit". But when she's hungry two hours later, too bad.

Jess T said...

Why do they have leaf blowers and not leaf vacuums? Wouldn't that make more sense? I certainly do not envy that chore! I guess that is another benefit to living in the concrete world. :)

Betts4 said...

Can I come rake your leaves? I live in the city and pretty fall leaves are a premium item here.
I have been crying a lot more lately and wonder as you did if it is the weather. Or just the time of the year. It will not be an easy holiday season. Helladay is about right.

Artemisia said...

I think one of the best gifts you can give your kids is to let them see you grieve and grow and emerge with the strength I know you have. That is a great lesson that will serve them well.

I didn't mean for that to sound preachy. Sorry!

You sound good, even if though you are still so sad.

Thinking of you.