Saturday, December 29, 2007

Losing It

Sometimes I swear that I am. Losing It.

"Bite me..." I dislike that sentence (?) very much. Is it even a sentence? I dislike it even more when it is used by my 17 year old daughter during an argument with her brother over a stupid PSP that I am beginning to wish that Santa never brought. Yes, she is recovering, and I am grateful. No that does not give one a free pass to behave as a 3 year old.

I was always the screamer, the yeller, the "wait till your father gets home"-er. Not often, but only when my two I-think-I-am-an-only-child-ren took me to the brink. Now, when they take me to the brink I am afraid I will drive right off. I sometimes want to drive right off. We, he and I, were a unit. Without him I am the figurehead---unrespected.

They are children...just children. But one is on the brink of adulthood, and dealing with so much more than I could ever dare to post here...that is hers to talk about. I can only tell how that affects me. And it wouldn't make much sense without the other pieces of the puzzle. One we poured our everything into. Lectures about regrets. Admonishments about character. Was it worth it?

Losing It.

I should have taken that drive. No, not that one. I truly would never drive off a brink. The one where I have my dad hang out here for the night and drive down to Ohio to visit some friends and forget how much this is awful for awhile.

Downer. That is me. It's why my keys are in my purse and my jammies are on.
Leonard, if you were just hiding, I would really want you to come back to me and hold me right now. My skin hurts...it misses you.

13 comments:

rachd said...

I sympathize with you, but of course, can't begin to imagine how hard it is to move from a unit to a single digit in the game of parenthood. I guess it's just one more "normal" to figure out.

Honey, if you need to take that drive, DO IT!! Don't wait around, just do it! You are doing the absolute best you can given the circumstances you are in, and what more can you ask of yourself?

Hang in there, Sweetie. Hang in there.

(I just wanted to add I'm more touched than you could imagine that you listed me as the best new person you met. I'm very grateful to have met you as well. We're going to get get through this, you and I. We are!)

HUGS!!! :o)

Laura said...

Your friendship and compassion has amazed me. Your empathy has comforted me. Sharing Hannah with us all, remembering her, and speaking about your pain shows what a strong woman you are. This would be all that much harder if I hadn't stumbled across your blog that day.

Heather said...

Laura love, I wish you had gone to OH to be with our friends, you need a break.

But, I feel you and am right there with you, always. Mike and I think and speak about you every day that goes by.

It is SO nice to have you around the old place. And thank you thank you thank you for wishing me a happy birthday, it meant so much to me to see you on my bday thread. One of these freaking days, we're either getting you to Beantown, or we're coming there. Count on it. Love you!!!

-Heather

Donna said...

The louder we yell, the less they hear...they get numb to the sound of Loud. Whisper...they lean in to hear you...ONLY yell if they are in danger...believe me sweetie.
Many hugs to you.

Marsha said...

Sometimes the tension between my teenage daughter and I puts the long ago tension between me and my mom into a different light. Nothing has frustrated me more than dealing with my daughter. Give yourself a break you are not meant to be a saint.

The girl left behind said...

Mothers and daughters...lordy, I don't know why that dynamic is so hard, but it has been for me and my mom. I have no advice, just good luck wishes.

KamaAina said...

Looks like Nik's getting the old P and V back quite nicely (sigh...) She even posted at our old haunts last night!!! (but really, Pizza Hut? Is there not a single decent pizza joint in your town?)

All things considered, an occasional "Bite me", tasteless though it may be, is a small price to pay for having her back. Just as long as she doesn't make a habit of it!

Ortizzle said...

It will probably take a while for the dynamic to change, and dealing with teens makes it that much harder. On the bright side, I think that eventually you two will be closer than you ever imagined.

If there is any way you can sneak off for a total break from parenting, even if it is 24 hours, I would do it, dear. Move those car keys from you hand to the ignition, and let someone else take over the reigns for a few days. I bet it would do you a world of good.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I hate days like those. I mean, I haven't had to go through anything like what you've had to go through, but the days when I want to leave it all behind? Yeah, hate those.

Ronni said...

Brendan decided we were roommates after Jim died. We had a couple of confrontations before i got the upper hand again. 17 is a tough age, and I wouldn't be there again for all the tea in China.

She's angry and Leonard for hurting the lot of you, and angry at you for needing him.

You have to walk a very fine line. She must know that you are hurting beyond anything she can imagine, but that you will still be Mom, and the rules still apply. I've had to be very careful with Brendan, because I don't want him to feel like I need him here. He's off to University, out of state next year, and he has to know that I can be self-sufficient. I'm sure there were those who told him that he had to be the man of the house, and that may be where the roommate thing came from.

I don't want him to think I'm cold and unaffected, but I have to let him know that I can cope.

I once knew a mom who was dying of cancer, and her teenage kids treated her like garbage throughout. Seems they resented her illness and the shift in focus that she went through from them to her own health.

Counselling helps.

Rebecca said...

Aw, sweetie. It's a tough place you're in... you're all in. You keep doing what you're doing, which is the best you can do. ((hugs))

The Stevens Family said...

You should take that drive if you need it! And, I live in Ohio so when you do take that drive, let me know! Do things for yourself, you need it and you deserve it!

I do not look forward to those mother daughter teenage years, so good luck to you and I may come to you seeking advice in a couple of years.

Sarah said...

I totally get your skin aching for him. On a smaller scale, but I get it. I'm so sorry.

And if no one has mentioned it -- you're entitled to lose it every once in a while. You have been through amazing mess this year. I hope you party HARD on New Year's Eve and kiss this year GOOD-BYE (though I know you won't be able to make the pain go away that easily).