Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Restless

I did a stupid thing last night. But, in my defense, last night was horrendous. For some odd reason it hurt worse than Christmas-worse than I imagined a holiday neither one of us really cared much for would. But it happened.

So I posted a message about it on a board I used to participate on, and I'm still mad at myself for doing it.

I get unreasonably angry at people, both in real life and online, who suggest I see a counselor. I have seen a counselor. I get unreasonably angry at people who tell me that I must let myself get angry at him and that it's okay to get angry at him. I won't get angry at him. This is not the cut and dried (as if this ever is) situation that a lot of people may think it is. I get angry because I know many have categorized my husband (in their minds) as depressed, addicted, messed up etc... and that just wasn't/isn't true and I am not deluding myself. I know it is my fault for getting angry. Leonard used to always tell me not to expect people to behave/respond in ways that I want them to. I wish I could tell the whole story, but I risk hurting someone else in the process. He was just a man, a wonderful man, who lived his life purely for others. There is nothing there that I could ever get angry at. I also don't believe in set stages of grief (don't worry, my counselor was okay with this). The books don't help. There are no answers there. In a nutshell, writing helps.
In a situation such as this there is nothing anyone can say that will fix it.
What it is a lot of the time is me trying to get what I am thinking out of my head. Because I haven't been able to stop myself from thinking.

This is a horrible little entry so I will try and save it. Santa Claus brought James "SpongeBob SquarePants" Life and Monopoly. We (he, Nik and I) had a rousing game of Life, which was fun, even if I had to be Squidward. We also toasted the year ahead with a glass or two of sparkling grape juice, although I had to cut James off after 3 glasses, one of which went spilling on his sister. I tell you, that boy can't hold his juice. I didn't watch the ball drop and today I am just pretending. That's enough for now. Anything to get through.
I wish you all a Wonderful Year ahead.

25 comments:

Marsha said...

Wishing you peace in the new year.

My husband is in the military and he has to "go out of town" sometimes for long periods of time. When he is gone and even when he returns, I am mad at him. In my head, I know that he has done nothing wrong. In my head I know that he does the best he can. But, I kinda hate him a bit and it takes me a long time to get over it. I am really mean to him too.

Part of being a military wife, means that we get a bit of counseling. It turns out that all the spouses feel this way, we all go thru it. It makes me feel better to know that I am not a horrid person for being mad at him in the part of myself that just happens and that I cannot control.

I am able to better deal with the situation knowing that it is just a natural reaction and eventually it will go away.

Does this have anything to do with you and your feelings and grief, probably not. I thought I would share this experience anyways just in case there is something you can take from it. Give yourself some slack, you are doing a really great job. No one is perfect.

Kesha said...

Laura; I wish you much love in the new year. You're doing the best you can do for yourself and your children. You amaze me. I'm sorry you got the reaction you did at the other place when you posted. I think folks just wanted to help. I can't imagine how it must seem when people offer advice and you've already been there. Please know that you are cared for, thought of and remembered daily. I wish I was as eloquent as you are and I'd say all that I'm thinking in such a way that it would come out just right and be understood. Make no mistake about it. You're loved.

kesha.

Jess said...

I hope the new year brings you peace and some joy.

(((HUGS)))

Shelly Overlook said...

I have nothing to offer but hope for the new year and this funny story about the game Life (in the hopes that it makes you laugh a little) -

My dad hated playing board games with me when I was a kid, which I always hated. On one rare occasion, he played Life with my mom and I. That poor man landed on the tornado spot (which sends you back to start) for practically the entire game. Sometimes he'd get past it a bit, then something would happen and he'd end up back, doomed to be at the beginning of the game forever. We finished the game and I think he was about a quarter of the way through. My child self found this to be hilarious (okay, I'd find it to be hilarious still) while he didn't see the humor in it so much. The more I laughed, the more annoyed he got, which of course made me laugh harder. No wonder he didn't like playing games with me!! I fear that karma will kick my ass with this one day.

Kathy said...

Hello Laura.
Another new day, just a different name. I don't make New Year's resolutions, just greet each day as it comes and hope to put forth my best effort for that day. So I am not going to say 'Happy New Year', Instead I will wish you a peaceful day.

Playing board games with kids is one of my favorite things, but don't get the opportunity much any more.

Nothing but good thoughts of you, Nicole, James and Leonard too.

Hugs>

Anne said...

Laura, Hi it's Anne from DU (proud2blib). I have thought of you so much in these past several months. I just wanted to pop in and say Happy New Year. I think of you often and hope you will find joy in 2008.

You were one of my first favorites on DU. Please know you are much loved by many there.

Peace!

Anne

Anonymous said...

Laura,
Only YOU know what is going on inside of you. People who care want to help, but how can they if they have never gone through what you and your kids have.
I hope this new year brings you the kindness you deserve.
Take care.
Massachusetts Gal

Rebecca said...

I can only say two things.

One is that I hope you're able to find peace in the New Year. All the other stuff can come later, but you need and deserve peace.

The second is that only you know how you feel and what you need to survive this. Nobody else lives in your head and your heart, so nobody else knows what will help. I don't think people mean to hurt, I'm sure they mean to help, but as I said, they don't live in your heart so they can't know.

((Big hugs)) to you and yours.

camielmom said...

My friend. Do what is best for you. You're already doing what is best for the kids.

Love you.

JGAdderson said...

i dont know what blog u posted on but if it was like what u post here maybe someone thought they were helping. i've been reading ur blog for a but and i've been through basically what ur going threw. so when you say there is nothing there that you could ever get angry at i think you are hiding from the truth. he may not have bean depressed i never heard of a suicide where the person wasnt depressed even if they didnt show it but u must be a littl mad at someone somewhere even if it isnt ur husband. i was furious with my brother for whaat he did but i learned ot let it go and i think of him every day but in a good way. my parents and me and my other sibs all went to therapy and i took paxil whcih really helped. really helped me i mean. i dont know if it would help anyone else. i dont know about the stages of grief either. like i dont even know what they aall are except disbelieve angery acceptance denial moving on. but i am sure there are other steps. its been 3 years since my brother took his life and i still think of him everyday. now that i am about to gradaute i am going 2 take a yr off b4 college and work at a suicde hotline. in honour of my brother.

feel bad for u reading what u write but u do it so good and it helps me and my dad alot.

i found it hard to talk about my brothers suiciide because it made me feel bad like peopl were juging me. and worse judging him. no one has write to judge. no one knows. but now i tell peopel what he did and dicuss it because my psychiatrist taught me theres nothing to be ashame of. if i wrote btter i mite not have needed therapy id have been able to do my own.
thank u 4 ur postings they help. and so do the other blogs out there.

rachd said...

Laura,

Each feeling in its own time. Grief is absolutely the most individual emotion I've ever experienced. No one has the right to tell you how you should be feeling. No one who hasn't had an opportunity to sit and talk with you at length has the right to judge or try to direct you in your emotions and feelings. The thing is, anything that is posted here is information you don't mind sharing with people. I'm betting you also have a more private journal, or, more private thoughts that you keep just for you.

That said, what is posted is only a small amount of what you are really feeling and experiencing and unless an individual has been in your brain, they have no business trying to suggest anything about your grief.

I'm not trying to be snippy or angry, I'm just stating that only YOU know how you are truly feeling. Only YOU know what is best for you and your family. Please don't let others get you down and please don't let others steal your peace.

I've decided that ultimately, people are desperate to help make you feel better, and they just don't know how to do it. Please accept my biggest HUGS and wishes for peace this coming year.

Lissie said...

Laura,

I read your blog daily now and want you to know that my heart is with you. I pray for all of us that 2008 is a better year, one in which we begin to heal. My God bless you and your family.

Melissa AKA Lissie

Shannon said...

I'm thinking about you and hoping your can find some peace.

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,

I completely agree with everything that Rachel said. And I don't think she was being snippy, she's speaking from experience and her heart. My heart just hurts for both of you and all I can do is pray for you to find peace. And I am personally volunteering to smack anyone who would say anything judgmental about Leonard. Life is tough enough without know-it-alls putting their 2 cents worth. I am praying this new year finds you laughing more, loving more, and getting through with a lighter heart. And I pray for those things you hold in your heart to avoid the risk of hurting someone. God knows your heart and will help you.

((HUGS)) and Much Love to you and the kids, (they look great in the pictures).

Laurie in Ca.

Heather said...

I think my comment got lost in the ether, but...Laura love, thank you for commenting on my blog, I'm ok, just going though a very weird time, in many ways. I wish I could lessen both my stress and anxiety and yours. I'll be ok though, don't worry about me.

I'm sorry about last night's posting, I stayed away b/c I could see that it was causing you pain.

You know how much you are loved by us. Always.

H

The girl left behind said...

Everyone's grief is different, and the "stages" are the most oft-quoted, and most oft-misunderstood, application of a little bit of knowledge that the world has ever seen; even Kubler-Ross had to explain what she meant to people, but they just took it and ran.

I can't speak to the counselor thing. I saw one at a month out, because a friend of mine was worried for me, and I wasn't entirely confident with my judgment at the time. I spent 2 whole sessions doing history--like back to my childhood--with a 3rd in the offing, and I was dying inside. I didn't go back for the 3rd. Some people find great help with a great counselor; others have not. Depends on how much effort you want to spend auditioning them.

As for anger, it will come. Maybe not at him, but it will come. I was angry at everyone and everything for a long while: at thw universe for taking my boy away; at everyone else for laughing and living their lives like nothing happened when I was hurting so badly; at myself for going dancing with girlfriends his last night on earth instead of talking to him; at myself again for not seeing this coming, for not being smart and knowledgeable enough to see the signs, for all the times I was petty...on and on; at his family for things they did...and didn't do; at him for not taking better care of himself, for not paying attention to his family health history, for working too hard, for leaving me, even if it wasn't his choice; for not telling me he loved me enough; at his ex for dumping him, and then grieving "undeservedly," to my mind; at my friends for not understanding; at my situation for being too complicated for the world to stand.

Oh yes, there was plenty of anger, for me. But if you don't feel it, you don't. If you do, express it, as you have today. It'll all work itself out; you can trust the process, as difficult as it is.

Emblita said...

My, very limited, experiences with messageboards have been overwhelmingly bad. Maybe its just the form that allows for so many misunderstandings.
I'm sorry that it made new years eve horrible- and I just have to chime in with the other commenters. Do what works for you, you shouldn't feel pressure to do anything that you aren't comfortable with.
We are just along for the ride- hoping that our companionship will allow you some solace.
Here's hoping that the new year will bring you some joy.

The Stevens Family said...

Laura,

Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. You know how you feel and you are doing your best to work through those feelings. As far as everyone thinks Leonard was depressed, an addict, etc., you are wrong. Everyone has their breaking point and some people are pushed a little too far and do the unthinkable and some don't. That is how I feel. I still think you two were a wonderful couple and with Nicole and James a wonderful family! The picture you paint of him makes me believe he was truly a kind and generous person that would never intentionally hurt anyone. Please remember that last part and I wish other people would for you too.

Ronni said...

I got angry at Jim for abandoning me. I also get angry at people who condemn him without having known him. Like the lady who told me that he must have really hated me, because he killed himself right there for me to find.

If anger comes up, let it out. If it doesn't, it might make the whole process easier.

Scott said...

I was playing Sponge Bob Life on New Years Eve as well, and I was also stuck with Squidward! What a coincidence. I wonder why Squidward gets no love. I was the last to join the game and he was the only one left. Our kids were drinking sparkling grape juice as well, one red and one white bottle. I did stay up to see the ball drop, my daughter wanted to see it for the first time and I wanted to be part of the experience. I was glad she didn't sleep over her friends house that night causing me to miss out on it. We also played Wii games. Boring to some people, fun enough for us.

Shelly said...

Laura, I agree with everyone else. Your feelings and your grief are your own. You don't have to feel anything - least of all angry at Leonard. It makes perfect sense to me that you wouldn't be angry with him at all. I don't think I would be angry with my husband if he were gone. I think I would be too busy missing him, which it seems like you are too busy missing Leonard to be mad at him.

Artemisia said...

Laura,

You know what you need to get through this, and you will get through this the only way you can. Trust yourself. And tell us to shut when you need to!

Wishing you and your family much, much, much peace and love.

Sarah said...

Thinking and praying. nothing to add. Grieve however you can -- as long as you make it one more day. You're doing great as far as I can tell.

haylee said...

While anger is not uncommon during the grieving process, it irks me too that *some* people think *most* people means *all* people.

Keep on keeping on.

best,
haylee

red tin heart said...

Grief is what it is.
We all handle it differently.

I will not give advice to you. I will only tell you that I am here if you ever need to talk.
I have seen to many people offer advice over matters of the heart when they should have just been quiet.
Unless another person has went through what you have went through I don't think they qualify for handing out advice.
I have seen my Mother tortured by "well meaning people" who gave her advice after my brother and sister were killed in a tragic car wreck several years apart.
I learned then, people who lose loved ones, need to vent, "they need to be listened to", and loved through their loss.
xoxo nita