I did a stupid thing last night. But, in my defense, last night was horrendous. For some odd reason it hurt worse than Christmas-worse than I imagined a holiday neither one of us really cared much for would. But it happened.
So I posted a message about it on a board I used to participate on, and I'm still mad at myself for doing it.
I get unreasonably angry at people, both in real life and online, who suggest I see a counselor. I have seen a counselor. I get unreasonably angry at people who tell me that I must let myself get angry at him and that it's okay to get angry at him. I won't get angry at him. This is not the cut and dried (as if this ever is) situation that a lot of people may think it is. I get angry because I know many have categorized my husband (in their minds) as depressed, addicted, messed up etc... and that just wasn't/isn't true and I am not deluding myself. I know it is my fault for getting angry. Leonard used to always tell me not to expect people to behave/respond in ways that I want them to. I wish I could tell the whole story, but I risk hurting someone else in the process. He was just a man, a wonderful man, who lived his life purely for others. There is nothing there that I could ever get angry at. I also don't believe in set stages of grief (don't worry, my counselor was okay with this). The books don't help. There are no answers there. In a nutshell, writing helps.
In a situation such as this there is nothing anyone can say that will fix it.
What it is a lot of the time is me trying to get what I am thinking out of my head. Because I haven't been able to stop myself from thinking.
This is a horrible little entry so I will try and save it. Santa Claus brought James "SpongeBob SquarePants" Life and Monopoly. We (he, Nik and I) had a rousing game of Life, which was fun, even if I had to be Squidward. We also toasted the year ahead with a glass or two of sparkling grape juice, although I had to cut James off after 3 glasses, one of which went spilling on his sister. I tell you, that boy can't hold his juice. I didn't watch the ball drop and today I am just pretending. That's enough for now. Anything to get through.
I wish you all a Wonderful Year ahead.