Saturday, January 5, 2008

Weepy

I am weepy today. Weepy because my eyes keep catching sight of things that remind me of him and our lives together. I began the day with a burst of energy, doing all those things you put off doing because they are icky and so you can talk yourself into letting them go one more day--and then the day comes when even you, yourself are sick of looking at the mess. I meant to keep going and get the tree down. Then, I glimpsed his face on one of the boards from the funeral home that were put in the basement and just left there, until I could remove the photos and return them to their owners, albums, boxes. I never did. And, a lot of times, I have to force myself to not turn them to the wall. I use the basement a lot and I keep my eyes averted most times, when I run laundry up and down. The left side of the basement is now Leonard's side: the pictures, his rollaway, his things that I cannot bear to see. After I came back upstairs, my dad and his girlfriend came over so I just kind of, well, stopped. At least I am dressed.

I meant to take the kids across the border to Canada this afternoon. To drive around and maybe get some dinner. It's gotten late and I'm not sure if I'll do that tonight or not. Maybe tomorrow. I do know that it is nice to have both of the kids home again. Even if they do fight. Even if I do tell them that they are driving me nuts. Even if...it is good to have them home, where they belong.

10 comments:

Sarah said...

You're entitled a weepy day or twenty. At least you got dressed AND got started! That's huge in my book! Be kind to yourself.

The girl left behind said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Hugs.

Nance said...

Cut yourself some slack. It's okay to be sad and bereft. It's been such an incredibly short time since it happened.

rachd said...

Embrace the tears. I find I feel better after a day like today. I feel horrible when I'm in the middle of it, but renewed afterward. Keep on hangin' in there!

HUGS!!

Jess said...

Sorry today was such a hard day, Laura. Hugs and I hope tomorrow is a bit easier.

Kesha said...

not much to add Laura, just a cyber hug and wishes for better days ahead. I'm glad both kids are home too.

kesha

Laurie said...

Heavy hearted weepy days, there have been many and probably many more to come, but to be grateful in the midst of it to have your two kids who fight be close to you and home, this is good. When the tears come, let them flow, they are healing for the time, giving you room to keep breathing. Lots of ((Hugs)) to you today Laura.

Love, Laurie

Ronni said...

I am finding things, too. The memorial wreath the school gave me, with his picture and lots of little purple notes from the kids.

~sigh~

Brendan is over at his girlfriend's...

Kathy said...

Hi Laura. Stopping by to check on you and the kids and letting you know you are thought of.

haylee said...

Thinking of you ....... hope the tears refreshed.

hugs,
haylee