How did it get to be 3:47? I need to keep better, and more sane, hours.
Tonight I watched two movies "Vacancy" (bleh) and "Perfect Stranger". Vacancy was very odd and disjointed and a million times I caught myself saying,"Why don't they...?" or "They should..." and "Why didn't they send backup when the cop didn't report back to the station at night?" Ah well...I've gotten to cynical even for myself.
***Spoiler of a Good Movie Ahead***
Now, "Perfect Stranger"? Well that's the reason I am still up at 3:47. Sort of. I am afraid of sleep these days anyway. I am not a big Halle fan but this was a really good movie. The plot twist at the end was very reminiscent of "Presumed Innocent" (one of my all time favorite plot twist movies). The whole movie through I kept saying to myself,"The wife did it...no, maybe Bruce Willis did do it...but then he would have punched her in the car perhaps..." and,"Oh my God, I can't believe that Miles is such a twisted freak!!!" and so on. This comment really does give not much away but what an entertaining movie. My dad was over and I felt safer than I normally do... except it is now me, and the sleeping kids, and the dog that barks at nothing, and the cat with the stumpy arthritic walk that scares me sometimes into thinking it is the boogeyman. I am not built for this live by yourself mode I am in. I really, really hate it.
Tonight I feel fragile and alone. It is the last day of the last year that my husband was alive and it is hitting me awfully hard. I don't want to walk into 2008, and on, without him. I don't think it will ever feel right.
Today, my father said,"I guess this will take you longer than I thought." That hurts. I know he doesn't know that. He cared about my mom, but I don't think he ever really loved her. That is a big assumption I am making but one of the things he said was that he didn't ever want to wish her dead...and he was afraid it would get to that. Wrong to tell me that, but he did. I would never have wished Leonard dead...in fact, as I've said before, I feared Leonard dead.
I am so sad that I cannot look at his picture, that I try to push his image from my mind. All this in an effort to survive that which I am not equipped for. Life without the one person who made everything right.
An update on Nicole: I'm trying to get her to walk upright. It is important that she walk upright. As the recipient of numerous abdominal surgeries, I am trying to talk here through this. I know the pain. I knew the NG tube hurts and rawness, the realization that one needs their stomach muscles more than they realize...until they are cut into, I know the shoulder pain from rising gas. All of it. And I wish I could take it away for her. Hopefully the staple they had to put in last week will come out tomorrow. She seems more "Nicole" and that is a very good thing...even when it is driving me nuts. Somehow, my kids will be okay.