Monday, December 31, 2007

3:47??? Possible movie spoiler alert***

How did it get to be 3:47? I need to keep better, and more sane, hours.

Tonight I watched two movies "Vacancy" (bleh) and "Perfect Stranger". Vacancy was very odd and disjointed and a million times I caught myself saying,"Why don't they...?" or "They should..." and "Why didn't they send backup when the cop didn't report back to the station at night?" Ah well...I've gotten to cynical even for myself.

***Spoiler of a Good Movie Ahead***

Now, "Perfect Stranger"? Well that's the reason I am still up at 3:47. Sort of. I am afraid of sleep these days anyway. I am not a big Halle fan but this was a really good movie. The plot twist at the end was very reminiscent of "Presumed Innocent" (one of my all time favorite plot twist movies). The whole movie through I kept saying to myself,"The wife did, maybe Bruce Willis did do it...but then he would have punched her in the car perhaps..." and,"Oh my God, I can't believe that Miles is such a twisted freak!!!" and so on. This comment really does give not much away but what an entertaining movie. My dad was over and I felt safer than I normally do... except it is now me, and the sleeping kids, and the dog that barks at nothing, and the cat with the stumpy arthritic walk that scares me sometimes into thinking it is the boogeyman. I am not built for this live by yourself mode I am in. I really, really hate it.

Tonight I feel fragile and alone. It is the last day of the last year that my husband was alive and it is hitting me awfully hard. I don't want to walk into 2008, and on, without him. I don't think it will ever feel right.

Today, my father said,"I guess this will take you longer than I thought." That hurts. I know he doesn't know that. He cared about my mom, but I don't think he ever really loved her. That is a big assumption I am making but one of the things he said was that he didn't ever want to wish her dead...and he was afraid it would get to that. Wrong to tell me that, but he did. I would never have wished Leonard fact, as I've said before, I feared Leonard dead.

I am so sad that I cannot look at his picture, that I try to push his image from my mind. All this in an effort to survive that which I am not equipped for. Life without the one person who made everything right.

An update on Nicole: I'm trying to get her to walk upright. It is important that she walk upright. As the recipient of numerous abdominal surgeries, I am trying to talk here through this. I know the pain. I knew the NG tube hurts and rawness, the realization that one needs their stomach muscles more than they realize...until they are cut into, I know the shoulder pain from rising gas. All of it. And I wish I could take it away for her. Hopefully the staple they had to put in last week will come out tomorrow. She seems more "Nicole" and that is a very good thing...even when it is driving me nuts. Somehow, my kids will be okay.


Marsha said...

I hope that this new year will bring you some peace.

The Stevens Family said...

Hi Laura, there is something at my blog for you.

Sarah said...

I, too, pray for peace in the New Year for you. Praying, also, that your dad will let you heal in your time. Even watching my own family grieve someone we all loved, I have learned that no two people grieve in the same way or on the same schedule, and we all have to give each other room to grieve or not. Praying for you still.

becomingkate said...

I was widowed in 2002 and there are still days of sadness, but the healing goes on.
It took me almost 18 months before I felt I was making any headway at all. One day at a time.
I hope 2008 brings you some joy to temper the sadness. *hugs*

Kathy said...

Good morning Laura!
I've been thinking about and praying for your family. So glad to read that Nicole is becoming "Nicole" again.
So sorry about your never-ending loneliness.
I was smiling at your movie reviews. Not much of a TV or movie watcher, I spent the past week watching numerous old westerns with the cowboy and my new 'step-son' and 'step-grands'. I could give reviews on about 12 old John Wayne movies! (not that I'd want to)
Hugs to you!

haylee said...

I too think that grief and coping with loss are very specific to the individual. There's no right or wrong nor is there a defined timeline.

I pray that 2008 provides you and your children much peace, healing & hope.

warm wishes,

The girl left behind said...

I, too, wanted to hold on to 2006, unwilling to enter a year that he had not lived in. Like so many "milestones," the dread was worse than the reality; the reality stayed largely the same, improving and falling back as it willed; the rollercoaster continues, though the valleys are not quite so deep now.

Hang in there. It takes exactly as long as it takes, and no one ever knows in advance how long that will be. You're doing what you can to survive it; that you are means you're doing the right things, no matter how crappy it feels.


rachd said...

Hi Sweetie! I'm sure the new year is sparkling new with no mistakes in it, waiting for us, full of happy surprises and joy because, quite frankly, dammit, we deserve it! Hang in there tonight and know all of us here are thinking of you and your family. :o)

Happy New Year to you, my friend. Big HUGS!

Betts4 said...

You verbalized it so well. I haven't gotten a chance to write out what I felt. But you did.

I send hugs because at 11:59 and 45 seconds I had my meltdown. I was fine/okay up till then. At a party, around friends and doing okay. Then as the ball dropped two friends started kissing. I turned and there was no one to hug or kiss. No Jim to hold on to.

Again, I send hugs.