Monday, February 25, 2008

On Me...Being Mean...

In the space of 24 hours I have:

Been truly nasty (interspersed with bouts of self pity) on a message board I told myself never to return to.

Had to walk outside in short sleeves in really cold temps and stay there for 10 minutes. I was calming myself down instead of taking "it" out on my kids.

Forgotten to feed the dog three times, grabbed the bag, and then thought of something else and left the bag. (no worries, she is fed and happily cuddling with my son)

Realized for the 8,923 time that this is really my life now and I have to suck it up. Only, I don't think it's really realizing because, if it were, I would have to keep realizing.

Washed the same load of laundry twice because I keep forgetting to move it to the dryer...and I wonder why my son's jeans rip out at the knee so quickly.

Gotten really angry over the whole, Brad Renfro was left out of the Oscar tribute, news.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=24500

I feel so badly for all of those who knew and loved him. That has to hurt so badly.

Worried about my dad eleventy billion times. His company (a major supplier for the big 3) is about to walk out on a UAW strike deadline of midnight. He just needs to hang in there a few more years and then he'll be okay.

Missed my husband with each passing minute. I lashed out at my SIL. That she couldn't possibly say and/or know how I will feel in later years. Right now it feels as if I will always wake up with this wrenching away in my gut. Right now I suffocate on it. I need to learn manners. I need to bite hard on my lip.


and...

Yay, spellcheck works again.

17 comments:

BetteJo said...

I'm glad spell check is back. For a little while I thought I was the one who broke it. :)

TGLB said...

Don't be too hard on yourself--you need an outlet so that you don't bite right through your lip. This is hard on you; sainthood is not required.

Angie said...

Ugh...what a yucky day. I hope tomorrow is better! HUGS

Betts4 said...

Sounds like a day to forget. I hope tomorrow is a step up.

It is nice to know that I am not the only one thinking 'this is my life now, get used to it.' 8,923 times a day. And hating all of those times and wishing for the nightmare to allow me to wake up.

Sending hugs!

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I'm sorry that this is your life now. I'm hoping greatly that time will bring peace and life becomes more worthy of the time and energy involved. People tell me that time does make it doable, but I don't see how.

I'm wishing the best for your dad, and I'm glad doggy got some food. :)

Gina said...

You are human.

I am bitchy and mean with no real reason, so there you go!

Classic Charm said...

Laura,
I can't possibly give you advice other than I will keep you in my prayers. People want to mean well...but only someone who has lost a part of their soul can understand what you are feeling. I'm sorry your day was so hard...I only wish you less pain, and the strength you will need to carry on...
Rose

rachd said...

Oh, Sweetie, remember the story of "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"? Some days are just like that. Put it behind you and move on. No one blames you and your sil can just suck you big toe.

Good luck to your Dad. :fingers crossed:

HUGS!

Karen said...

I'm with Gina, I can be a bitch for no reason (just ask my family). It's hard to be a mom!
As for the dog, please don't ask him how many nights he's had a sandwich for dinner because I forgot to even buy the bag of dog food. tee hee!
Hang in there, today is a new day!

Marshamlow said...

I do that with the dog all the time or other things too. Glad I am in good company. What a bad day your had. I hope today is better. I have days when I am mean to everyone, I think your emotions are so raw that you are not able to tolerate any more at all. It is ok to struggle.

I have learned so much reading your blog, basically that I don't know anything. I would imagine if I was in your life I would have been one of those people telling you that it will get better. You know? Even just reading your blog and getting to know you the last few months I struggle not to type, it will get better. But, now thanks to you I know better. It must be some sort of animal instinct in us that wants to erase others pain. Perhaps it is just being selfish and not wanting to be exposed to pain anymore. I mean I would not have seen it that way had it not been for your ability to be so candid and now I hope that I will be a better friend or family member when the need arises.

Jeanette said...

I hope you are having a better day today, Laura. You know what to do to diffuse the situation and you're doing it. That's what counts. Your in my thoughts.
Oh and I know what company your dad works for and I hope everything works out for them. This is a bad time to go on strike with so many people out of work.

Shannon said...

Breathe. Tomorrow is another day which hopefully will be sunny and warm and have an ounce of peace in it.

HUGS.

Courtney said...

Hugs to you and your dad. I hope everything works out for him. Sorry it was such a bad day, but on the bright side you ended on a happy spell check note.

Nance said...

Here comes the English teacher:

one of the meanings of "realize" is "to bring vividly to the mind." You can realize something many times, as many as it takes. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but the semantics of it is accurate. My dad died in the summer of 2001. We often talked politics together, and now, especially now, it is hurtful to realize anew that this election, which would have engaged and interested and thrilled him greatly, is not something we can talk about.

Ronni said...

I've been thinking about you all morning, Laura.

Hang on.

Donna said...

Much love and strength to you love!! Holding on to you Tight!!!hughugs

Michele said...

With the hindsight of having just read the 6 months post, I think this was all perfectly OK behavior.

I am a fan of the cold walks outside, and I am not dealing with a tenth of what you are. I call them my timeouts. Hugs.