Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Sometimes You Are All the Knot...

A few entries back, I wrote about tying knots (hey look, I have figured out how to link to past posts now too, so no more "see previous post abouts" from me). I would have been kicked out of Boy Scouts. Many times I have trouble "tying".

What I want to say is that in so many ways, over the last few days especially, so many of you have tied them for me...or actually have been the knot. Your words become something to hang onto when I cannot find the right words to tell my self. The past few days have been hazy, dazey, and-to borrow from "Ellen"-"what the February" kind of days. Days that I spend a good deal of crying and, I will confess, wishing a little bit that my heart might just stop. Just a little bit. And then one of you would write something so perfect in the comments, or post an entry on your own blog, or come out of lurkdom to say hi or share your own painful stories with me. Sometimes it is old friends, from DU, stopping by (they have been so very good, almost too good, to me)Sometimes it was one of my fellow widows reaching out to let me know that they have felt this way too. You're letting me know that I'm "okay". Right when I need it. Some of you have been so very perceptive as to read between the lines I write here to send a note, and thereby open lines of communication and strengthening bonds of friendship. Friendships that have been the gift of this tragedy. People, perhaps, that I would not even have known if it had not been for this. Alone is what I have felt for a very long time. My family=somewhat dysfunctional in an almost humorous sort of way if it wasn't for the fact that one yearns for people to see them through this. Friends have a, rightful, way of moving on with their lives. I would move away from me too, most days, if I could. But you are all so steadfast and honest in your offers of friendship, your comments, opinions and input.

I have turned this into a mushy, gushy post for good reason.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had moments of almost peacefulness. I have a lot of you to thank for that. I can never thank you enough.

As Betsey put it, so very well, that this too will probably pass. But I savour it for now and try not to jiggle it too much.

A side note: I wish to send you all to this wonderful entry on Grief. As so often happens, Rachael nails it. How I wish she were my son's teacher.

Good night all.

15 comments:

Shari said...

Laura,

I am so glad to hear that you found a few moments of peace. :) Great news on the linking-know-how. :)

Take care. OXOX

Gina said...

Laura, I am so happy to hear about this. I hope that those peaceful moments become more frequent for you.

Thinking of you...

rachd said...

This post lifted my spirits, Laura--and not just because of your sweet shout-out at the end. (Just so you know, I wish I were James' teacher too. :o) He seems like a truly remarkable little guy and I would LOVE to get to know him. :o))

I'm so happy you have found a measure of peace. Isn't it wonderful after so much pain? That brief respite is such a *relief*, even if it is temporary. Enjoy the peace, Friend. You deserve it!

Big HUGS and cheers today! :o)

Donna said...

Wonderful post sweetie! In your own wonderful, way with words...you let us All know that you need us...how wonderful is That!!!lol...If I were a man with a big chest, it would be "busting the seams" right now!...since I don't hace much of a chest..lol..I'll just say, thanks little love...Have a smiling day today!

Laurie said...

Laura,

How good it is to come here and read that you experienced moments of almost peacefulness. Hold on to that feeling, knowing it is truly in there. It is hiding beneath the sorrow and will visit you again and again. And oh, how many times have I felt that I would move away from me too, if I could have:) You put words to that feeling I have had many times. Thank You! You sound really good here and I hope you draw strength from the feeling when things get cloudy again, and we know they will but not forever. And I think you are more than okay, right where you are today. Have a wonderful day.

Laurie in Ca.

Courtney said...

Enjoy your peace as long as it will last. Racheal really nailed it with that post! I wish you all the best!

desperate housewife said...

Sorry I haven't commented in awhile. Sometimes I struggle to find the words- it feels trite, and I just wish I could send a hug instead. I am SO glad you are able to feel support from us online even when those in the real world (quote unquote) sometimes fall short or are simply unable to provide what you need.

Rebecca said...

I'm having a hard time getting my commetn to publish, so please bear with me.

I'm glad you've had some peace... you need it and deserve it. ((hugs))

Jeanette said...

I sincerely hope your moments of peacefulness continue to come and stay longer and longer. See? Your healing and your getting better all of the time. The tone of your writing is getting better too. It's wonderful so many people that you have never physically met can be such a big part of that! Blogland is a awesome place.

Shelly said...

Oh, I'm so glad!!! I hope you have many, many more moments of peace.

Laura said...

I'm so glad you found some peace, Laura! Hugs from afar, you are such a blessing.

Jess said...

I am so overjoyed that you had a few peaceful moments. It is strange to think that people you could bump into at the grocery store and not recognize face to face could be the very person who provides real solace and comfort in the blogosphere. I have been thinking a lot lately of what my internet friendships mean to me (because I've been *attempting* a computer break) and I've discovered they are far more important than I've ever given them credit for.

I think what is so great about blogs and commenters on blogs is that you can really and truly put yourself out there and you know that the people who are coming by and reading and commenting truly have an interest in you and your life or they wouldn't bother to take the time. And I find that comforting somehow and I value their effort even more.

My point of this long ramble is that I am so deeply glad for you that you have found comfort in online friendships. You have no idea how often Rachael and I speak about you when we talk on the phone- we feel like we know you so well!

P.S. - Thanks for always saying such great things about my kids. I truly appreciate it. I am the first to admit I am not objective about them and it makes me swell with pride when others find them compelling too. :-)

Ronni said...

Good. It's a toe-hold.

I'm sure you get heartily sick of people telling you what you "need."

I am glad there are those here who can just "be."

Hang in there...

BetteJo said...

Writing is how I have always worked through my problems big and small, andI imagine blogging helps you feel a little less like you are just crying out into the darkness.

Wishing you more of these days. :)

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful letter to a beautiful girl. She looks just like her mama. I also have an 18 year old Brown Eyed Girl whom I almost lost to a very serious suicide attempt when she was 16. She is now a confident, thriving and joyful person.