A few entries back, I wrote about tying knots (hey look, I have figured out how to link to past posts now too, so no more "see previous post abouts" from me). I would have been kicked out of Boy Scouts. Many times I have trouble "tying".
What I want to say is that in so many ways, over the last few days especially, so many of you have tied them for me...or actually have been the knot. Your words become something to hang onto when I cannot find the right words to tell my self. The past few days have been hazy, dazey, and-to borrow from "Ellen"-"what the February" kind of days. Days that I spend a good deal of crying and, I will confess, wishing a little bit that my heart might just stop. Just a little bit. And then one of you would write something so perfect in the comments, or post an entry on your own blog, or come out of lurkdom to say hi or share your own painful stories with me. Sometimes it is old friends, from DU, stopping by (they have been so very good, almost too good, to me)Sometimes it was one of my fellow widows reaching out to let me know that they have felt this way too. You're letting me know that I'm "okay". Right when I need it. Some of you have been so very perceptive as to read between the lines I write here to send a note, and thereby open lines of communication and strengthening bonds of friendship. Friendships that have been the gift of this tragedy. People, perhaps, that I would not even have known if it had not been for this. Alone is what I have felt for a very long time. My family=somewhat dysfunctional in an almost humorous sort of way if it wasn't for the fact that one yearns for people to see them through this. Friends have a, rightful, way of moving on with their lives. I would move away from me too, most days, if I could. But you are all so steadfast and honest in your offers of friendship, your comments, opinions and input.
I have turned this into a mushy, gushy post for good reason.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had moments of almost peacefulness. I have a lot of you to thank for that. I can never thank you enough.
As Betsey put it, so very well, that this too will probably pass. But I savour it for now and try not to jiggle it too much.
A side note: I wish to send you all to this wonderful entry on Grief. As so often happens, Rachael nails it. How I wish she were my son's teacher.
Good night all.