Six Months

Oh baby, how can that be? How can we have been apart from each other this long. It hit me as I sat in the dentist's chair this morning to finally get that tooth removed. Remember the one that I broke on James' birthday in August? I remember. I remember how you got up all night to get more ice. How you made soup and then ran to the store to buy one of every soft, squishy thing that they had for me to eat. I remember the Vernors. You always thought that Vernors would make everything all better. I wish with all my might that I had taken just one sip in all our time together. One sip to bring a smile to your face. I hate myself for that.

I spent all last night awake--thinking of you while blocking your face out. I am afraid to think of your face. To remember those little boy looks and how ticklish your beard would feel when it was growing out and you would rub it on my neck. If it is possible, I miss your touch more with every day.

I keep trying not to connect every single thing I see, do or say to you but I find it has gotten harder not to. I can't even find a solid quarter sized spot on the wall anymore for my eyes to turn to so my mind can escape this pain. I wish, wish, WISH you could have known that I was being so very honest with you when I told you ( a million times 10) what would happen to me if we were no longer us. The girl you thought was independent isn't. She just knew how to argue. The job you thought could support us has become a wearying, troublesome burden. And all of it without you. I wanted to call you and cry about my teeth. You were always so good about putting up with that. I wanted to come home to your hugs. The hugs you reserved for when I was hurting because you weren't so very huggy most times.

Your niece and nephew miss you so much. They are having such a hard time. A coworker of yours called me near tears. You know, the one you coached and mentored and saved from himself? And there is nothing any of us can do to make this right or put it to bed.

For the very first time, my love, I didn't flinch in the chair when she gave me the shot. Nothing compares to wounds of my soul. I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you always. I wish that somehow that could have transcended everything else that went so very wrong those three days.