Happy Holidays

We made it! And Texas was c-c-c-cold...but it has warmed up. With the exception of the mover being a little slow (mentally), the new oven having bad wiring, and James's bed being without the bolts, all went smoothly. Except...

Merlin has flown the coop. My old gentleman cat has been gone for over a week and I am losing hope that I will ever see him again. Please keep him in your thoughts.

A Happiest of Holidays to you all.

Amazing

It really is, when I think of it. No, I'm not saying it's amazing that I'm actually here posting this evening. It's been such a whirlwind of trying to get things done, and procrastinating and last minute doctors/dentists/car appointments that I rarely have time to share anything. And I am sorry. For those of you on Facebook, oh I'm having fun playing there with you. But, I'm winding down another road when I mean to speak of other things.

It is amazing. Amazing how much can change in 1 year and (almost) 4 months. I would never have dreamt that this would be me---what I was doing---here, with these boxes and stuff. How amazing...the support I have received from friends and some family. And the support far outweighs the naysayers. Really there are only 3 and a half (I'll explain the half later) naysayers. The two being my mom and my brother.

As I've mentioned, my mother cannot compute this. Nor does she want to. For reference, I don't and never have expected her to or wanted much from her. It's the way we are. Before I could "play along" with the mind game of the day. I had Leonard to dump it on. Leonard to make it okay. Leonard to come home to. I don't have that anymore. She thinks I'm stupid, she thinks I'm not there for her in her hour of need, she says I am "taking her last grandchild" (Nicole is apparently sliced bread) from her... She held open the door and told me to leave. So I did. Funny...I don't feel that awfully bad about it. I can't. It's not in me anymore. I tried my best as a child, young, and then married, woman. As a widow, I suck at comradeship with her. I care to much about my lost husband. Along side her, goes my grandma. Too twisted up in herself (as the elderly often do) to see that I have been there for her, that phones can be picked up on her end. Nutshell=lack of empathy. Again...okay. I don't need it. So many have gone out of their way in their support of me.

Moving...on...



The half=a mother in law who has a tongue that is split neater than Lincoln's rails. She supports me and yet doesn't when talking to others. A second phone call (remember that ill fated call to my father last year) to my father attempting to play the victim who never gets to see the grandson I have given her open access to. I do think she truly wants to support us, but that old competitions die hard for her. I just want my son to be happy. I don't want him to be burdened by the family guilt that so plagued his father. She knows (and I hope she admits to herself) that she has an open invitation to our new home.

So...we're ready. T-minus 4 days...

Closing Day

But, not without its headaches, which I won't bore you with. I never thought this day would get here, given the troubles with trying to set up a home purchase from out of state.

In answer to a couple of comments, I haven't yet sold my house. I just made the decision to move now and attempt to sell the house here empty. I am lucky in that I can manage that because I qc'd the house to my husband and also because he is the smartest, most prepared man that has ever graced this earth.

Even as I contemplate this step today, I stood at the gate this morning with the chewed up garbage bags (thanks to Jessie the Wonder Sheltie) and thought back a couple of years-to dreams that used to be mine, held with him. If my life had gone right, we'd be together on our own 10 acres right here. Well, a little north of here. It still hurts to realize that we will never get to do that.

I have made the decision to have the movers do their thing, meaning pack me up. I tried, really I did, but I cannot dismantle our life together all by myself. It will be better to sift through it in a place he never was-- no expectation of him walking through the door, not having to glance up at his ashes now and again and feel my heart breaking all over again. and again.

The closing is today at 1PM. Because of a foul up at the title company, I did not transfer funds over to my account and they have yet to post. What does this mean? Another hurdle to jump. Either a signoff on $4,000 that won't post to the bigger amount until tomorrow, or a cash advance. Sigh.

My new life officially starts at 1PM. I hope I am doing the right thing. I think I am doing the right thing, and yet-all the while- it hurts to leave him, us, behind.

"Your Wildest Dreams"

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew
That greets the brand new day
We couldn't tear ourselves away
I wonder if you care
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow
Once upon a time
Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
And when the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow
Once upon a time

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Mirrored in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Hoping

I was hoping to be moved by now, but here I am...still. The deal is done and I am just waiting on a closing date. It is so very hard to be 1400 miles away from it all and I am a bit impatient. Especially as the days grow darker (and colder) here.

I was also hoping to write more often but that isn't working out so well. Here is where I would say because "OMG! I've been so busy!" In reality, I am lacking the drive. Just hanging out. Waiting for a day that seems like it is unreachable.

The Pet Shop Boys? Like them? I love them. In fact it's why I'm listening to "It's a Sin" over and over again tonight. Welcome to my odd little life these days.

I'm back.

Thanks you Chloe, for the kick in the pants I needed to get going here again. It is so hard, in these crazy days of closing dates, inspections, home improvements and what not to keep my thoughts together.

I am, for the most part, in a better place for now. I look forward to leaving these haunting memories behind, and yet I will miss Nik in our twisted little "I love you-I hate you-come here-go away" relationship. She doesn't want to talk about me moving even as it looms in the very near tomorrow. She has a choice to come with and has opted not to. I do think it will be good for her to be on her own.

James has made a very good friend just recently and that will make it a bit harder for him to leave... but he wants to. Plus, they have email and trips up here or down there.

I have made the decision to have the movers just pack up everything because it broke me down for a good week when I started to pack things. So, for now, I'll just leave it.

Over it...

For now, at least. Monday was just a horrible, no good, very rotten kind of day. Those happen. Not as frequently, for I have gotten really good at pretending to be someone else. Most days I function and nobody would really know that anything is different. Which is how I want it...need for it to be, at least in my real world. Does that make any sense at all? I didn't think so.

I have told most of my family (save my mom,"Why are you going to go and do something stupid like that?") that I am considering (hahaha-who am I kidding-the Purchase agreement is signed and ready to go) a move out of state. Many have asked me why, and most have agreed with me on my reasoning. Because I am so sporadic in posting of late I am going to go ahead and list the reasons here...

Michigan is so very very much Leonard's place. I hated Michigan when I first moved here in 7th grade. Leonard was the one who took me "Up North", took me on thousands of drives, went to the cider mills...all of those things I can no longer do without breaking down. Some can do these things and sift through treasured memories. For me, it is still unending pain and need and want.
When I am in places that we have not been together, the pain is still there but there are no memories to prod it along until it becomes full fledged and day ending for me. In this way, it is about survival.

My son has asked to move. It has not been the healthiest for him to remain here due to his own memories. He is a boy who very much needed his daddy. Without him, and yet with all of his (James) memories, it is unbearable, too, for him at times. He has told me he feels happier.

Another reason (gosh, I feel like I am writing a 5th grade essay for History class here) is that I do believe it will be good for Nik. She would finish out college here and perhaps join us there. This might cause some to go "What???" and my heart breaks at the thought of being away from her but I feel, at times, that I am not the best thing in her life right now.

Lastly, and I do believe I have written this here before, everyone is waiting for "Laura" to come back. The Laura they knew. The Laura who was in control and cleaning and cooking and ready to get together... That Laura is gone, without Leonard. She isn't coming back. In moving to a new place, that pressure that friends, family and neighbors place on me would gone. I yearn for that.

Perhaps I am wrong... but something-anything-needs to happen.

On to brighter things. I ordered my countertops on Tuesday. Sadly, I cannot go with the rolled edge because it would create a huge, possibly unsightly seam along the breakfast bar. So I went with Wilsonart HD "Night Passage" with a standard edge. I like the Wilsonart because it has a matte/gloss look and is a bit different. It goes well with the new paint job. Why yes, thank you for asking, I did finally get all of that wall paper down and the new paint up.

This is the countertop

http://samples.wilsonart.com/images/PRODUCT/icon/467.jpg

The paint is on this page. The one named "Family Tree", which I rather liked
http://dutchboy.com/colors/families/neutrals/versatile/index.jsp

The only thing I haven't done is figure out how to preserve the measuring wall. It is the door frame where my husband measured James from the time he was a year old. About a year and a half ago, my husband measured himself, Nik and me. During those horrible days, the people who came over measured themselves. So there are many Sharpie marks, dates and names on that frame. I was going to find a way to saw it off and put up a new piece of wood. Instead, I may take a photo and then go to Kinkos to blow it up to actual size. We'll see.

Emails...and school memories...

My 20th reunion is coming up this weekend, I guess. I am not going. Not only because of my life these days but also because Leonard and I never went to those things. We kept in touch with those we wanted to from high school and moved on.

Today, logging into my computer, I found condolence notes from high school classmates. As you guess, I was instantly transported back to those breaking days of August '07. So I did what any stupid fool would do. I tried to find the source of the information. As I've said before (and which I am sure many of you find doubtful), Leonard and I were private people and I don't want my private pain (albeit very public here, but this blog isn't very traceable) blasted before a school that was made up of navel gazers and mutual admirers. I found it, finally, on an alumni archive page...and there's not really much I can do about it. It just angers me because we graduated the same year, he is my husband and all that blah, blah... Let it go Laura.

While looking at that page (and averting my eyes from his name) I also found a couple of classmates that I hadn't known had died. We are not being well and long lived here...this class of '88, at least in my high school. That made me melancholy this morning...when I should be doing stuff around the house.