And that is what I am thankful for.
I am horrible for that, but points for honesty, I suppose. It was excruciating to drive over there without him (I know I said I wasn't going to but I ended up caving. See guilt spoken about later on), know that he was not going to meet us there (as he often did on holidays because one or the other of us would stay longer than the other wanted to), and that I would be stuck with my mom and my grandma for the duration of the afternoon. I admit to crying on the drive over, trying my best to cover, and having my grandmother ask,"What's wrong?" as I entered the house. If it didn't hurt so much, this obtuseness, I would laugh. "I am sad," is all I said. "Well, I know that.." was her response. And on it went. I didn't go over until my mother called to tell me James was on his way home from the game. I didn't want to spend a moment longer than I had to.
James decided he wanted to come home with us tonight. His sister wasn't' happy about it, and a fight ensued. I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't want to do this in a month's time for Christmas. I want to be anywhere but here. Which isn't true. I just want to be with him. Where I always thought I would be...where I told him I wanted to be whenever he asked me if I was happy. I was happy with Leonard, the man. Whether we lived in a mobile home, a house, a house on land, or God forbid a rented room or cardboard box. That's all. That's it.
I looked at today as a dry run for Christmas. We failed miserably. The only good thing I did was stand up to my mother's guilt trips ("you could have stayed here tonight, you know...) and have a good conversation with the kids about living life without feeling guilty. I saw that she had an impact on James that way when he opted to come home with me. His father was led by guilt. Guilt over his dad, his mom...and, sadly, me. I don't want his son to be that way. Nicole doesn't have that problem and I'm glad of it. She runs from me as fast as she can. We had a horrid fight tonight and I'm tired of it. I give up almost.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.