Thursday, November 22, 2007

Day's End...

And that is what I am thankful for.

I am horrible for that, but points for honesty, I suppose. It was excruciating to drive over there without him (I know I said I wasn't going to but I ended up caving. See guilt spoken about later on), know that he was not going to meet us there (as he often did on holidays because one or the other of us would stay longer than the other wanted to), and that I would be stuck with my mom and my grandma for the duration of the afternoon. I admit to crying on the drive over, trying my best to cover, and having my grandmother ask,"What's wrong?" as I entered the house. If it didn't hurt so much, this obtuseness, I would laugh. "I am sad," is all I said. "Well, I know that.." was her response. And on it went. I didn't go over until my mother called to tell me James was on his way home from the game. I didn't want to spend a moment longer than I had to.

James decided he wanted to come home with us tonight. His sister wasn't' happy about it, and a fight ensued. I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't want to do this in a month's time for Christmas. I want to be anywhere but here. Which isn't true. I just want to be with him. Where I always thought I would be...where I told him I wanted to be whenever he asked me if I was happy. I was happy with Leonard, the man. Whether we lived in a mobile home, a house, a house on land, or God forbid a rented room or cardboard box. That's all. That's it.

I looked at today as a dry run for Christmas. We failed miserably. The only good thing I did was stand up to my mother's guilt trips ("you could have stayed here tonight, you know...) and have a good conversation with the kids about living life without feeling guilty. I saw that she had an impact on James that way when he opted to come home with me. His father was led by guilt. Guilt over his dad, his mom...and, sadly, me. I don't want his son to be that way. Nicole doesn't have that problem and I'm glad of it. She runs from me as fast as she can. We had a horrid fight tonight and I'm tired of it. I give up almost.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.


Laurie said...

Hi Laura, I want you to know I thought about you all day. I came here when we got home from my sons and I have to tell you that I don't think you failed miserably at all today. This is life Laura, life as you know it to be right now and it hurts really bad, it sucks for you. It is good to hear you are setting boundaries with the elder females there. Guilt is for the guilty, not for you or your kids. I am sorry about your fight with Nicole. I have no appropriate comment to say so I will just say I am sorry for you. Giving up sounds like such a good option sometimes though, doesn't it? But not really. I love you girl and I am praying for your heart big time. Take care.

Laurie in Ca.

The girl left behind said...

You are not horrible, and you did not fail. You made it through the day. That's a victory.

When you actually do something horrible, then feel guilty. Until then, you're just being human, doing the best you can under the most difficult circumstances a family can face.

Marsha said...

I had to threaten to ground my 16 year old daughter from the computer for a week if she didn't come out of her room and spend the day with the family. Then she sat in the chair and pouted. So I threatened again and then she was ok. I don't know if she was faking or if she forgot to be all teenagery but she seemed to be enjoying the day. Our relationship bothers me so much, we used to be so close and now I have to force her to even speak to me. I guess it is normal but it still makes me mad. I can totally understand how you would want to just give up. They aren't easy those girls.

Shari said...

I think that teenagers are just trying to find their place, their identity-separate from parents. When Nicole is out on her own and even when she's married and starts her own family, you'll be close again. I go through this tug-of-war thing with my 13 year old. I have to stay firm or I won't get respect. That's so hard. I know. But you are a parent, not a friend to your kids for the most part.

I thought about you and wondered if you were going to spend Thanksgiving with your family. Take care. One step at a time. :)