Friday, November 23, 2007

Television and Telephones

My son spent most of the day playing SIMS. I am (used to be) so boring that I had recreated my little family of four on the computer. I can't bear to look at it these days. James has fun building the houses, but then, by the time they are built, he is bored with it all.

Nicole is out shopping with a friend. Window shopping because one needs $ to shop and she hasn't gotten a job yet. She's applied to four places but I think her availability counts her out.

I just got off the phone with my dad. Discontent, heartache and knowing there is nothing I can do about it. I am so happy for my dad...that his life is full, but I don't wish to partake in it. It makes the missing of Leonard so much sharper. I am sick of having people watch me cry. It takes to much energy to start the car.

My son really wants to buy a tree, like always, this year. I tried to talk to him about buying a prelit one. No avail. I don't know how I will shop, when I hate leaving the house and even using the computer (doing this here) takes so much out of me. I spent most of the day staring at the pages of Rhett Butler's People, which is supposed to be very good...but I couldn't tell you.

The comments from everyone have been so wonderful, and I wish I could spill everything that is on my heart here...but I can't, because of people who read this blog, and my own need to protect. I think some of the discontent comes from there.

I am so tired of day after day after day.


Laurie said...

Hi Laura, Just stopped by to check on you and you have already posted, and it's not close to midnight:) I thought about you throughout my day yesterday, hoping you were making it through. I would have loved to have you over with us and you could have just been yourself and no pressure. I don't think you will ever get James to give into a fake tree Laura. He has too much outdoors in his blood:)
The fresh ones always smell so good and look so pretty (after the ***** lights are strung, of course). I am hoping that the rest of the weekend is restful and peaceful for you. I love you friend, and only want the best for you, well the second best anyway. Take care.

Laurie in Ca.

The girl left behind said...

Spill it somewhere, even if only in a notebook for only you to see. It has to get out, for your sake.

haylee said...

I agree with "the girl left behind" - sometimes our thoughts can be sorted out with more clarity when we put pen to paper. I find it cathartic as well.

Shari said...

Please don't hold it all in. As the other said, just journal it somewhere and just hide it.

God bless.

Gina said...

Agreed with everyone else.

Big hugs to you, Laura.

And I always end with that, and I hope you know that I really, truly am sending you the biggest mental hug that I possibly can. Each time.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

I must agree with Laurie RE: a real tree. That's the bad news - the good news is that, if your experience mirrors mine in any way, you will feel an incredible sense of accomplishment when it's up & decorated.

Perhaps you can make a deal with the kids that it be a total team effort -- i.e you will supply the tree and they will decorate it only asking for your assistance if the strings of lights need some "coaxing" -- or some variation thereof.

If appropriate, it could be framed as their gift in their Dad's memory.

Christmas used to be my favorite time of year -- I'd have everything completed - absolutely everything - by the first of December so we could all just sit back, enjoy and count down the days on my son's mouse Advent calender.

One year in particular, the tree was the farthest thing from my muddled mind. I don't know if it was my sense of duty to the kids or my pathological avoidance of guilt that triggered me to finally set it up. I did recruit the "gang" and it was only a week before Christmas but, low & behold, it got done. Not with the meticulousness of prior years nor was my heart in it but there it stood in all it's imperfect glory. I thought it was awesome.

Afterwards, I was pleasantly surprised and relieved that I felt so emotionally rewarded for my efforts. Even though it was put up weeks later than other years, the youngsters were equally delighted -- which was important - but just as important (if not moreso, in my survival mode) was my avoiding the guilt I was sure to have ladened myself with.

May I suggest you give this some thought and then decide when and if the timing is right for you.

That year, I took the 4 children shopping specifically to purchse a new tree-top in memory of our loved one. It was an exquisite lighted/musical Angel with real feathered wings and a gold-sequented halo that adorns our tree-top to this day. Each year, when she is elevated in her place of honor, we share memories & stories of her "namesake" which coincidently happens to be Laura.

I thought you might like this story. Hope I was right:)

Blessings & prayers to you this day & always....


Laurie said...

Hey Laura,
It's just me again to let you know I agree with Haylee's comment above. She said everything beautifully, the words I couldn't find to say what was on my heart. I love her story. A few new traditions can truly be uplifting to the spirit and the heart. In honor of Leonard for you and the kids, and possibly breaking some of the old ways that you don't have to put up with anymore. Just a thought. Talk to you later and love you lots.

Laurie in Ca.

J at said...

Everyone has already said all of the kind supportive things I had intended to say, so I'll just add that I'm about 1/2 way through Rhett, and I'm enjoying it, though not sure if I would if I didn't know the story so well to begin with...