Sunday, November 18, 2007

Terminal Disconnect

I always mean to go to bed early. And I never do. I never have, to be honest.

I worked "a teeny bit" today. I had promised my father's girlfriend that I would do an appraisal on her mother's house for their estate. I inspected the house itself today and will try and finish the report and the operating income statement (they are thinking of renting it out) sometime this week.

I am really dreading Thursday. It is the beginning of what is in store for us this holiday season. Leonard was really getting into the spirit of the holidays ever since the children came on the scene. Every year he bought something special just from him for the children. 9 years of Daddy gifts for James, and 14 for Nik. He has just left a big, gaping hole in everything. It bothers me because it doesn't seem to get better...or even become the different that people talk about.

I was at the pharmacy today, filling a prescription, and the woman in front of me was telling the pharmacy clerk that she was celebrating her 56th anniversary...and it hit me that I don't get to do that. I still have trouble believing that this is all real. And I get jealous. Really jealous. That was going to be us. I beg the universe at night to not make me/us have to do this.

James is going to the Packers/Lions game on Thursday with my mom. She wants to have a Thanksgiving Dinner there afterward, but James asked me if maybe I could make it at our house. I am trying to do the things the kids want-trying. I will talk to her (God, give me strength) tomorrow.

I think I have watched 20-odd episodes of "America's Next Top Model" this week. Someone (insert James' name here) went through and deleted a bunch of stuff on tivo that I was saving to watch this weekend. ER, no Little People Big World, no Daily Show...grrr...


Betts4 said...

I guess I get to be the first one to post a comment because I don't go to sleep early either.
As the clock ticks down to Thursday, just keep taking some breaths, think of Leonard and the strength that you have inside of you. Your children need to see you both strong and also missing him. You can't deny that you miss him, but if you can, you should also try to keep things moving so the sadness isn't the main event.
My thoughts will be there with you.

Cherry said...

We'll just forget that my goal time to head up to bed is at 9pm and its almost 11pm now. Why do we do this?

You didn't miss anything with the Daily Show since the writers are out on strike still, so its still all reruns, and Little People Big World will be in re-runs all week, but it was cute so you should try to check it out! I'm sorry "someone" deleted your stuff when you needed your escape this weekend. At least Tyra was there for you!


Emblita said...

ANTM is my favorite guilty pleasure too! Its so silly and over the top that I can't help but love it.
I'm afraid I don't have any good advice about coping with the holiday season- except perhaps just to do what you can, for your kids, and for yourself.

Marsha said...

I promise to stop saying it will get better. I guess what I mean is I want so badly for it to get better for you. If I could get out of cooking the turkey I totally would. Our family is all far away, it is me or Mickey D.

Jess T said...

Yay for Next Top Model! :) There is nothing better than trash tv to take your mind off of things. :)

Thinking of you! :)

Tessie said...

No Little People, Big World? ARGG! I love that show too.

Hope today is a good day.

The girl left behind said...

It takes awhile for the "different" to happen. A long while. I don't say that to scare you, just to tell you that if it's not feeling that way for you, that's not unusual. It's not a drastic change; you just get stronger, learn how to internalize the reality rather than be crushed under it. The reality is what it is, though.


Shari said...

Ooh. Packers and Lions on Thanksgiving. Yay. Packers are doing great. :)

Maybe you should keep the remote from him so your shows don't get deleted. Hubby goes nuts when his WWF wrestling shows get interfered with (roll eyes-male soap opera). :)

Per your previous post: I used to have a Sheltie and man, was she something. A nervous, stubborn dog that barked at everything that moved. The herding instinct that the breed has, I guess. I loved my Sheltie, but she was a handful. My new puppy tracks in dirt. Funny, my kids are the ones bringing in the leaves...

Still thinking of you and hoping you get strength.

rbnyc said...

Boy do I understand that jealousy you felt in the pharmacy. When I lost the baby in the car accident, wheneven I saw I pregnant woman (which seemed to be several times a day) I would get so jealour and ANGRY. That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be that big and round. I was supposed to be planning the nursery. I was supposed to be getting the seat on the subway. I was supposed to be anticipating labor and eating weird foods and thinking up names. I just hated them. I hated them so much. And I was walking with the cane at that time, and I would want to smash in all the car windows and store-front windows. And it didn't go away until I got pregnant with Garrison. Not that he replaced the baby we lost, but because he brought so much happiness that the grief and anger and jealousy was allowed to rest.

Your situation is different, I know. Everyone says time will help. You keep waiting. Your generosity in sharing your feelings with us is astonishing. With so much to endure, you come here and give US something, to relate to, to care about, to love, to put us in touch with our own lives.

We post our little comments and hope we're giving you something back, even something small, to make any little difference at all.

With love and light,


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Erasing Little People Big World off TIVO is punishable by death. I need my Roloff fix!


Artemisia said...

It may be a blessing that A. and I don't have a DVR yet; I can't imagine the irk-inducing behavior that would ensue!

Hang in there this week; I hope that when things get really difficult, little graces will appear and lighten your load a bit. I'll be thinking of you and your family.