Monday, November 19, 2007

"He held you back a little bit..."

Someone...someone very close to me said those words to me (luckily over the phone) today. And I was crushed. That someone would think that of my husband...would say that of my husband... someone I care very much about said that today about Leonard. It burned, it stabbed, and it is still-and always will be-poking its way through my heart.

I was happy with my life. It was everything I wanted. I looked forward to our future. I loved our dreams, and our plans. My husband encouraged my business...and was so excited looking forward to building it up together. He backed my every move. I do find myself feeling so sad that I procrastinated and blew off his often asked,"Did you do anything to move the business forward today?" I file that sadness next to never getting the stupid washing machine fixed again. I was always too tired.

I sobbed all of this at the person, who I don't want to name, who said this to me. I asked him/her how he/she could know so much about my own relationship...my love? This person persisted...driving the hurt, the loneliness... all of it, a lot deeper. And I had already thought I could bear no more.

I have made the decision that I do not think I am going to go to my Mom's for Thanksgiving on Thursday. James will still go to the game, and the kids will have dinner there (if they wish) but I won't be able to stand it. I hate myself for not getting along with her. They are bitter. They sniff, and they judge and they expect me to be over it. They ask,"What's wrong?" each time they call and I even remotely sound like I have been crying...or, even stupider, "Do you have a cold?" I hope I am not so very out of touch with the feelings of others as the elder women in my family appear to be.

What I wish for, knowing that my biggest wish won't come true, is that I could go somewhere, anywhere for the next 6 weeks, where there are no holidays...no expectations of joy. I've been running, and running and running, in my head, but there is nowhere to go. He was my safe place, my island, my refuge, my protector, and more than I can apparently impress on my family, my everything.

12 comments:

The girl left behind said...

I'm sorry someone felt they had the right to drop their version of The Truth of Your Marriage on you at all, let alone now. No one really understands what someone else's marriage is. Sometimes those of us within the relationship are not entirely sure. If some day you felt you were ready to process that and brought it up, that'd be one thing, but it's totally out of line for someone else to force the discussion. This is a lot different than your girlfriends bad-mouthing a guy who dumped you to make you feel better.

I think you are wise to recognize the emotional burden the dinner will be, and to avoid it. Very often, we display strength by knowing where we are weak, and choosing to protect ourselves. Discretion is the better part of valor.

Hugs to you, Laura. It ain't much, but it's all we've got.

Laurie said...

I completely agree with the girl left behind. How insensitive for that person to even open their mouth at a time like this. Consider the source Laura and write it up to ignorance. No one knows your relationship but you. He is your life and future. And it makes me want to personally smack that person for you. And I want to tell you that you are not like the elder women in your family from what I have read. Seems like they just don't get that life is not all about them and they don't have a clue how to be compassionate to you. It is very hard to get along with self-absorbed people. They only see themselves. I am praying for peace for you dear friend. It must be so darned hard to hold on.
Please know you are loved. Hugs.

Laurie in Ca.

Shari said...

I am surprised at the gall, the audicity, the tactlessness of this person to say something like that. This person doesn't know everything about your relationship. How awful. They think they mean well, but to judge like that...I don't know what to say...

Some people!!

(((Hugs)))

Lynelle said...

Laura,
You don't know me, but I have been lurking behind your blog since Mrs. Grumpy has been posting to my friend Betsy's blog.
I feel compelled to write, tonight, however.
I, too, am in shock for that person's need to to dump on you their version of "the truth" about YOUR marriage. I wonder what the motivation was...
I wish your family of origin could have more empathy for you. It's your first Thanksgiving without your beloved Leonard. I can only try to imagine what you and Betsy (and anyone who has lost a partner) feels. You are only 3 months from when he was suddenly taken from you. Good for you for not putting yourself in a position where you would not be comfortable (and probably would have to explode at your kids' grandmother).
I hope you can experience memories on Thanksgiving how you choose. What do you have TIVO'ed?

Sharpie said...

Un-freakin-believable! I would slap that person's face for you. I mean slap them SO HARD. How dare they? I'm sorry that you will be home alone for the holiday - but I certainly understand doing so to avoid all of the critical eyes. Know you are NOT alone - we are here - with Pumpkin Pie if you wish..

(Big Hugs)

The Stevens Family said...

Oh.My.Gosh. I don't even know what to say. It's so hard to believe there are people that insensitive in this world. I know people can be cruel, but someone close to you? I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers coming your way for this week.

Gina said...

That person had no right to say that to you.

I am sorry you have changed your plans for Thanksgiving, this next month or so is going to be rough for you, and I'm so sorry.

Marsha said...

On Thanksgiving when I was a single mom and estranged from my family my daughter and I would get all dressed up, go out to dinner and then to a movie. They always seemed to release some new cool family friendly movie on Thanksgiving.

Good idea avoiding situations you are not ready to handle and distancing yourself from people who are difficult to deal with. Knowing your limits is important. I wish I could do that.

I does seem like the people in your life are lacking in empathy. I think that most people are. Most people on see how things effect them, like your sadness is hard for them to be around.

When I read about your marriage, I cannot help but think that you gave your marriage your all, that you crammed 50 years of love into the short time you had together. Never regret that choice. You will always have that knowledge that your husband was loved well while he was here and he felt needed and cherished.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

I am so sorry that someone you care about made such a totally uncalled for and hurtful comment.

I am wondering if it might help ease your borken heart to interpret it in the passive rather than active sense.

My first marriage was hellish. Just to ensure some peace & quiet and to avoid his bullsh*it, I always made sure he had nothing to complain about - for as much as was possible. I always made sure that all the "i"'s were dotted and the "t"'s crossed. I also pushed my limits to better myself so I could independantly support my youngsters when I left him.

I have since been blessed with a wonderful marriage but I sometimes think I am short-changing my husband in some ways. Because he is all the things to me that Leonard is to you, I no longer fear that if I don't do things to perfection there will be a big blow up. I know he won't make an issue out of a dustbunny in the corner or if supper is not on the table exactly at 5 -- I have no fear of being cut to the core with a caustic tongue. It is because of the trust and comfort that I know he will always cut me some slack and understanding. Sometimes I actually feel a bit guilty to think my ex got more out of me when he deserved so much less. Weird or what?

I hope this makes some sense. My point is not to excuse the thoughtless and inexcusable comment but rather to look at it in a passive sense that emphasizes the total dymanics - the trust, comfort and security your marriage provided to you both.

Who amongst us wouldn't feel more driven with a master cracking the whip on our backs? But the opposite is not "being held back". Such a lack of insight & depth is frightening - and so unnecessary.

The up-coming holidays will be very difficult - not doubt about that. Only you know your limits and tolerance and must be supported to do what you feel is best for you.

It seems doubley dreadful that the very people who should be there to comfort and support you are actually increasing your angst.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tall Drink of Water said...

Laura,

I am so sorry that your close friend was ignorant enough to say that to you. I know that I am not always perfect at it, but I do try to "walk a mile in another's shoes" before speaking my mind about a situation.

I hope you remember, that no matter where you are, where you have been, and where you are going, you are okay right where you are. It may be painful, it may be the most difficult time (and I suspect that it is) but you, as a person, are okay, you are not damaged goods, you are just in pain. And you are loved.

Jen

Donna said...

Let the "wind beneath your wings" guide you sweetie...you'll know what to do! Hugs to you and your family.

Emblita said...

I'm appalled, what an insensitive git! Sometimes I wonder about people. Really, empathy would have been a much better option than criticism of your husband and marriage.

I agree with Sharpie though, a good slap might knock some sense into him/her.

Hugs
Embla