Someone...someone very close to me said those words to me (luckily over the phone) today. And I was crushed. That someone would think that of my husband...would say that of my husband... someone I care very much about said that today about Leonard. It burned, it stabbed, and it is still-and always will be-poking its way through my heart.
I was happy with my life. It was everything I wanted. I looked forward to our future. I loved our dreams, and our plans. My husband encouraged my business...and was so excited looking forward to building it up together. He backed my every move. I do find myself feeling so sad that I procrastinated and blew off his often asked,"Did you do anything to move the business forward today?" I file that sadness next to never getting the stupid washing machine fixed again. I was always too tired.
I sobbed all of this at the person, who I don't want to name, who said this to me. I asked him/her how he/she could know so much about my own relationship...my love? This person persisted...driving the hurt, the loneliness... all of it, a lot deeper. And I had already thought I could bear no more.
I have made the decision that I do not think I am going to go to my Mom's for Thanksgiving on Thursday. James will still go to the game, and the kids will have dinner there (if they wish) but I won't be able to stand it. I hate myself for not getting along with her. They are bitter. They sniff, and they judge and they expect me to be over it. They ask,"What's wrong?" each time they call and I even remotely sound like I have been crying...or, even stupider, "Do you have a cold?" I hope I am not so very out of touch with the feelings of others as the elder women in my family appear to be.
What I wish for, knowing that my biggest wish won't come true, is that I could go somewhere, anywhere for the next 6 weeks, where there are no holidays...no expectations of joy. I've been running, and running and running, in my head, but there is nowhere to go. He was my safe place, my island, my refuge, my protector, and more than I can apparently impress on my family, my everything.