Thursday, January 10, 2008

Charlotte's Web

How can a relatively painless day go so horribly downhill?

The day started really well. I, yes I the procrastinator, finally got the tree down and put away. Now I can clean up the living room and maybe order the new furniture that I have been putting off but need badly. I also enjoyed writing the entry about finding out about my children's impending arrivals

and then...

Sandcastles. Remember the place that I have a horrific love/hate relationship with? The place with the wonderful people who are also grieving and trying to cope? With their kids? There was a new family there. I hate it so when there is a new family because it just isn't fair that so many wonderful moms and dads and grandparents are lost before their time. The new family consists of a mother and her two children. Her husband/their father was 37 (like Leonard) and he went out to mow the lawn (like Leonard) and he died right there. And her pain is so fresh it took me right back to that day (although I never completely leave it) that I found myself crying-along with everyone else in the room. These recountings are so painful and re-emphasize how wrong it is that any child, any young parent should have to face this. So I stared at the ceiling with tears pouring down my face. The wonderful gentleman next to me kept patting my hand and saying,"It does get better. Don't give up. It will be better." And then I think stupid thoughts like, what if I don't want it to? What if getting better means I truly have to let go of him? My mind tells me that is not so (on good days) but my heart (or the place it once existed) is not in agreement.

On the way home, Nik (Yay for Nik being well enough to come along) said that her group talked about the spiritual, the paranormal, feeling as if a loved one is near. She said she feels like her dad is around all the time. And, on one level, I am so happy that she has that peace. On the other, I am jealous. How come all these people feel him around and, for me, he is just gone? Or am I afraid? Afraid of feeling his presence and yet wanting (needing) more?

When we got home, I got James ready for bed. He asked me if I wanted to watch Charlotte's Web with him. Charlotte's Web is the movie we ordered that last Saturday night to watch with James. That Saturday, watching CW was such a beautiful evening. The eve of the end of life as I knew and loved it. And it was a knife in my heart to watch James watching it. I am glad it doesn't hold those connotations for him.

Perhaps I just need to rest.

14 comments:

Betts4 said...

Oh I wish I could give you a real hug. You are so very strong to go to the group meeting, to hear the other stories and to be able to feel the woman's pain and know that it is as yours is. To do that takes strength.
I am keeping you in my thoughts.

stephanie said...

First, I want to offer my VERY sincere condolences. I stumbled upon your site from Tessie's and read every single entry. I have lost more people than I care to mention, most recently, my mother at age 49, and while I know better than to even try to say I have a CLUE what you are braving every single second of every day, I SO HEAR you on the jealousy about Leonard being w/ your daughter.

Well, I guess jealousy has such a negative connotation, but I get it. Both of my parents died young and suddenly and my sister feels them both. All the time. She is constantly surrounded by them. And I'm not. Half of me feels "what the hell? Why aren't they here with me, too??" and the other half thinks maybe I'm just too damned scared.

Again, I am not trying to compare. I am just saying, I guess, that I'm another one of those F'ing Sandcastle type families. And I'm so very sorry you have to go through this.

You, your dear husband and your dear children are in my thoughts every day.

Artemisia said...

Laura,

I don't know what to say other than I really do think of you, your family, and Leonard everyday.

I am holding you in my heart. I am.

Sharpie said...

Oh Sweetie - I am sure those stories bring you back with the same fresh pain. You are a wonderful, caring, feeling woman - of course you can feel their pain. It hurts you for them - I understand that.

Know that we are all here for you - standing beside you. Huge Hugs!

haylee said...

Memories, like the passage of time, can be double-edged.

Happy to hear that Nik is getting more mobile:)

The Stevens Family said...

Laura I am so sorry that you can't "feel" him. I totally understand you feeling jealous, I know I would be. Hang in there honey and know lots of people are praying for you and thinking of you.

Jeanette said...

Rest and time is what you need. For the longest time after my mother died I felt her with me. It's was both good and bad because I think it made me miss her more. I don't know.

Laurie said...

My heart hurt for you as I read how the meeting went for you. And you are so right that all of this is not fair. It never is. The one thing that really got my attention was that Nicole shared that she feels him all around her and you are jealous of that. It may be wishful thinking on my part but I would like to think if you expressed this to her, eye to eye, and asked her how it works for her, and for her help, this could possibly soften barriers even more for the two of you. I would have been speechless if my mother had ever expressed envy and asked for my help. Just a thought Laura, not advice, but I can't help but see a small crack in a door opening here.
Mother and daughter working together toward the same goal and her being needed to help you. Only you know if it would even be an option, but I know what it feels like to be her age and want to be needed. Okay, I will stop before I get myself in trouble here and let you know I am thinking of you always and praying for all of you.
You are loved.

Laurie

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry for what has happened with your husband.
why did he do it?
frances

Donna said...

One day, when HE'S ready, you'll feel him. It's not you sweetie. It's him. Just don't worry about it right now. You'll know. No one will have to explain it..promise! Much love to you sweet...I also agree with Laurie. How nice for you both to share those really deep feelings!

Nance said...

Thinking of you, Laura. Thank heaven every day IS just one day.

Laura said...

betts4, sometimes it is a really huge struggle to stay in my seat and listen, without running from the room in tears. You've been in my thoughts all day and I hope all is well.

stephaine-Thank you so much. And I really do believe that grief is grief and we cannot compare our grief up against that of another. I am so very sorry for all of the losses you have suffered.

artemisia-That means the world to me. I worry so much that he will be forgotten, remembered only by me and his children. You have all been so kind to us.

sharpie-I cannot tell you how much that means to me. Because of you and your comments I don't feel so alone.

haylee-It still hurts to hear James talk about his daddy. I am glad that he is able to, but I am not there yet...it's all to much wanting still.

Courtney-I appreciate you so very much and am so grateful we've gotten to know each other.

Jeanette-That's exactly the thing. I don't know how I would feel about it. He has just been gone, and that hurts so badly, knowing he's not on this earth with us anymore.

Laurie-the encouragement and care that you give us all is incredible. Thank you so much for checking in every day.

frances-Thank you. Unfortunately, I am not yet at a stage where I can go there. It was a horrible event, a horrible mistake made by a couple of people. I don't feel like I can talk about it without possibly hurting those involved...more than they already do.

Donna-Oh, I hope you are right...but I also hope I can bear that without needing more.

Nance--Thank you for posting such thought provoking entries that I can lose myself for awhile thinking about them. Thanks for stopping in to check on us so often. It means so much.

Anonymous said...

laura- i'm sorry if i hurt you with my question! it was quite insensitive of me..
i enjoy your blog; you are a strong and lovely girl and a good writer, and i will keep you and your family in my heart and prayers.
hugs,
frances

Laura said...

It's okay frances. I would probably want to know too. Thank you so very much.