How can a relatively painless day go so horribly downhill?
The day started really well. I, yes I the procrastinator, finally got the tree down and put away. Now I can clean up the living room and maybe order the new furniture that I have been putting off but need badly. I also enjoyed writing the entry about finding out about my children's impending arrivals
Sandcastles. Remember the place that I have a horrific love/hate relationship with? The place with the wonderful people who are also grieving and trying to cope? With their kids? There was a new family there. I hate it so when there is a new family because it just isn't fair that so many wonderful moms and dads and grandparents are lost before their time. The new family consists of a mother and her two children. Her husband/their father was 37 (like Leonard) and he went out to mow the lawn (like Leonard) and he died right there. And her pain is so fresh it took me right back to that day (although I never completely leave it) that I found myself crying-along with everyone else in the room. These recountings are so painful and re-emphasize how wrong it is that any child, any young parent should have to face this. So I stared at the ceiling with tears pouring down my face. The wonderful gentleman next to me kept patting my hand and saying,"It does get better. Don't give up. It will be better." And then I think stupid thoughts like, what if I don't want it to? What if getting better means I truly have to let go of him? My mind tells me that is not so (on good days) but my heart (or the place it once existed) is not in agreement.
On the way home, Nik (Yay for Nik being well enough to come along) said that her group talked about the spiritual, the paranormal, feeling as if a loved one is near. She said she feels like her dad is around all the time. And, on one level, I am so happy that she has that peace. On the other, I am jealous. How come all these people feel him around and, for me, he is just gone? Or am I afraid? Afraid of feeling his presence and yet wanting (needing) more?
When we got home, I got James ready for bed. He asked me if I wanted to watch Charlotte's Web with him. Charlotte's Web is the movie we ordered that last Saturday night to watch with James. That Saturday, watching CW was such a beautiful evening. The eve of the end of life as I knew and loved it. And it was a knife in my heart to watch James watching it. I am glad it doesn't hold those connotations for him.
Perhaps I just need to rest.