Sunday, January 6, 2008

I Miss You

I miss you so much tonight that it is almost making me sick. I posted your pictures with me on a board we used to read together and it just doesn't,still won't, never will feel real.

"I miss you," I said to the empty spot in the kitchen where you used to stand and poke fun of me on Sunday nights, while I was blogging and you were rumaging for a snack. I miss everything about you...even your faults. I can't bear it. Me without you. I sometimes wonder if it would hurt this badly if we had fullfilled all of our dreams, seen our grandchildren grow, shared all of these decades ahead together. I sometimes wonder if I just dreamed you up. And you were never really here.
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13 comments:

J said...

I wonder, too...if it would hurt as much. I know my grandmother was much more devistated by the death of her first husband, who died from stepping on a nail back in the 40s, when she was still in her 20s. Her second husband died in his 80s after a long illness, and they had many years together. It still hurt, but somehow, I think that long illness gave them time to get used to the idea. Easier to say, "he's no longer in pain, and that's a blessing".

I feel for you. Blech.

January 6, 2008 at 10:05 PM
Anonymous said...

I'm so, so sorry. I can feel your despair through the screen. Wishing you peace, sweet lady.

January 6, 2008 at 10:12 PM
Laurie in Ca. said...

I am so sorry for you, for Rachel and for Betsy. My heart hurts for you all and there isn't a stinking thing to help ease this pain for you. I do think that wearing his clothes is a good thing. I do it all the time. And Laura, I wish you had just dreamed him up, if it meant that there wouldn't be this pain. But Leonard is real, your love is real, your loss is real, and it hurts way more than I can even imagine. I am praying for you to have some peace in your heart, I really am.

HUGS and PEACE to you tonight,
Love, Laurie

January 6, 2008 at 10:26 PM
Marshamlow said...

Sending good thoughts and hugs. I hope you have a good week. I thought of you today, the trees here are finally starting to loose their leaves. I remember your struggle with getting all the leaves up in fall, looks like I am going to have to go buy a rake and clean the gutters. Yuck.

January 6, 2008 at 10:46 PM
Alicia said...

I sometimes wonder if I just dreamed you up. And you were never really here.

I hate that feeling, hate it hate it hate it. And I know it all to well.

Keep talking to Leonard. Keep looking at his pictures. Keep hearing his laugh, breathing in his scent. He was real. By being part of you, he made you who you are today.

He was real. He is real. He will ALWAYS be a part of you. He will always be shaping you.

January 6, 2008 at 10:48 PM
Anonymous said...

It seems to be the night for it. My A got a spiritual earful of "I miss you" tonight, too. I look at his pictures and think, "Where did you go? Where ARE you?

I have that feeling sometimes, too. But you know he wasn't a dream; dreams are easily forgotten in the day. And you need only look in the face of your little boy to know Leonard was here.

I'm pretty sure it would hurt plenty if you'd lost him 40 years from now. We never have enough time with the ones we love.

January 7, 2008 at 1:05 AM
Anonymous said...

{Hugs} Really Really big ones!

January 7, 2008 at 2:02 AM
Sharpie said...

Wow Laura - that was so raw and heartfelt. Rest easy - You didn't dream him - he was there - he was always there. Hugging you across the cosmos.

January 7, 2008 at 6:53 AM
Jess T said...

Laura,

Thank you for this. I was..am..very upset with my husband over something he did. In the grand scheme of things, it really is insignificant. You remind me to let the little...or insignificant things go.

Hugs!

January 7, 2008 at 8:40 AM
Shari said...

(((HUGS)))

I, too, got a little snappy with hubby. I can get so focused on his criticism. I just have to not sweat the small stuff.

January 7, 2008 at 9:00 AM
Jeanette said...

Thinking of you ..that's all.

January 7, 2008 at 9:27 AM
Rach said...

I wish I had something insightful to add. Just know I too sometimes feel disconnected from the time I lived with Hannah and worry it was a dream.

It just hurts. HUGS!

January 7, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Courtney said...

Oh Laura I am so sorry! I can't imagine and I hope I never have to. Just know I think of you often and pray you get through this one day at a time. He was a dream come true for you and real! Never forget that!

January 7, 2008 at 11:03 AM

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