The People That You Forget (or didn't think you had) to Buy For.

This is already happening to me and it is not even *close* (hey, a week is like a month for someone like me who procrastinates) yet. I thought I was done shopping on Friday. Twice today I have had to add on to the list that I had already folded up and put into a drawer (as a reminder who to buy for next year). Thank heavens for little birdies letting me know about things. Why, oh why do we let ourselves get all twisted up over this?

I am attempting, for the first time since, to send out Christmas cards. It horrifies me to think that there are people I consider friends that probably don't realize I moved a year ago.

yes...

It has been a year. Sometimes that seems so short. Sometimes so long. It hasn't been as perfect as I dreamed on those nights that I dreamed of running away, but it has been the right thing. For us.

My father was readmitted to the hospital last night. He felt another reaction coming on so he hopped in the car, drove to the hospital and (this is the part that makes me smile) used his EpiPen in the lot. Why? Because he was afraid of having a reaction to the EpiPen. For some reason this makes me smile. He will be okay. Because he has to be.

What Laura did Next

I always wanted to use that title (from one of my favorite ever books as a kid: "What Katy Did" and What Katy Did Next"). This is what I've been didding...er...doing... Well, I did it once and I kind of like it.

Find it here

It's C-c-c-o-l-d in Texas

And I'm not talking about the "oh, your blood has just thinned out so much that a 60 degree day is cold to you" kind of cold. I'm talking about a "dang, its 38 degrees out and I haven't turned on the furnace and perhaps I should" kind of cold. Or a "OMG, it's forecasted to snow in Houston tomorrow" kind of cold. Take your pick. And I hate this kind of cold. I feel like I'm being duped. Yes, luckily, it is temporary. I hope.

My dad is doing okay. He's leaving on Saturday but we're not going to think about that right now. James buggered me into putting up the tree so we'll think about that right now. We'll think about that and how one of the kittens is being a very good girl about the whole thing and one of the kittens (we won't name names but it's Bella, the calico) cannot seem to help herself and sneaks over to first, sit under the tree, then, brush whiskers against the tree. This is soon followed by hesitant little bats at the ornamaments...finishing with wholesale, candy cane ripping, glass shattering cat attack. No, she hasn't climbed it-yet-but let's just say that I fully expect to wake up to that one of these mornings.

Let's Try Thanksgiving again.

I finally made a turkey this year. And we finally sat down with my dad, James and I, and had dinner. To say that it was a bit exhausting after the driving, and the worrying, and the...well, the mess of it all would be to put it out of perspective. It just was. That's okay. I am thankful that my dad is well (?) and here. The question mark is because he had an incident where his lip swelled up again halfway through the drive back down. We drove straight through and it is a bit disconcerting to have that happen, especially when the person experiencing it had been on a ventilator only days beforehand. I mentally kicked myself for the rest of the drive. I should not have agreed to let him come back down with us. And yet I am glad he is here with us.

So all is ending well. Which is something to be thankful (again and again) for. I cannot and will not imagine what my life would be like without my dad.

James went back to school today without even an argument, not even an "I'm tired, because you kept me up to late, fed me the wrong dinner, hate me and want to see me miserable..." argument. Another thing to be thankful for.

Thoughts turn to putting up the tree and putting something underneath it. Also, how to keep kittens from wanting to perch among the branches. I can just tell that these two kittens of mine will be fascinated by it all. I am hoping to jinx myself into something different by posting that here.

Going Home

That could mean so many things, but I am not sure if Michigan is my home, Texas...or no place at all.

Poppy is better. They are pretty sure it was a reaction to his hbp meds. He's coughing a bit, and swelled up from steroids, but otherwise fine. He is going to drive home with us for a week and then fly back. I'm happy about that, but also sad because it means he won't be down for Christmas.

It's amazing how many people we were able to see these past few days here, after Poppy got out of the hospital. My mother was mad because I would not leave to spend Thanksgiving with her and my aunt and uncle, 2 hours away, but I wasn't here for anything other than to make sure my dad was okay. I did manage to see her tonight. So, my name isn't total Mudd.

I am sleepy, disjointed and I am sure this isn't making much sense. I'll log in after I get home and have a straighter head. Thanks everyone, for thinking of us.

Helpless

It is always scary to get that 4 AM phone call, more so when you are 1400 miles away and can't do anything immediate.

"Is this Laura Harper?" "Are you related to James XXXXX in any way?" (not my son, my dad).

My father is sick. They think it was an allergic reaction to a medication he is on. Please keep him in your thoughts. He is stable and on a ventilator and all I want to do is be able to is be there right now. I'm trying to coordinate so that I can drive up.

What's That You Say??

James and I were driving to the mall tonight to meet a friend. He was flipping through the channels, and not finding much of anything. Hard to believe he can find not much of anything on an XM radio but there you have it. A few minutes into it he turns to me and says, "Hey, look! They changed the name to the Holy Channel." Say what? Yes, that's right. The Holy...er...Holly channel is already up and running on XM and I couldn't be more irritated about it. Really? Does this mean I can just skip Thanksgiving? Can I just tell you that I really don't want to walk down holly bedecked mall halls yet?

It was a good night. We met the friend, did some shopping (I'm not telling you what for because there will be more laughing and pointing of fingers) and then tried to catch part of my niece's basketball game. Okay, not really. We were trying to find her mother to give her something we bought her. We stopped by her house, and while we were standing there waiting for her to not come to the door, I remembered the game. We got there with 22 seconds to spare. I am a terrific aunt. I am a terrific aunt because I make other aunts look better when they show up at the halfway mark. Hey, I remembered...sort of...at least.

The "Black Friday" leaks are out...While a Blue Ray for $78 sounds fun, I think I'll be sleeping. I did "Black Friday" once and realized that, by the end of the morning, all of the things that I had purchased could have been purchased at noon for the same price.

Addiction

Heavy title, right? It won't be (in fact I'll wager you'll be pointing your finger at me and laughing) by the end of this post.

I have an addiction, it's serious, and none of my good friends can help me with it. In fact, most times they aid and abet me.

Twilight...or, more specifically, Edward. Full. Blown. Addiction/Obsession/whatever. Why? It's not the writing (not especially well written) not the movie (if Kristen Stewart blinks her eyes 45 times with each line in "New Moon" I swear I'll only go back to see it again only once...maybe twice).

I think it's because, and this is silly even for me, he reminds me so much of Leonard (no not the vampire part).

I submit:
1. First and foremost-the overwhelming need and desire to protect every single person he cares for.
2. The clothing. Back in the "day" (1988 to be exact) my darling danced to the beat of..strike that...shop at the stores of...no... he just wore different clothes than everyone else.
3. The attitude. Anyone who knew him knew that Leonard belonged in a completely different century.
4. A myriad of other things that I'm just too tired to write here (trust me).

Or...

It's because I've got a thing for Robert Pattinson and have ever since Harry Potter and I've just finally found a way to rationalize...

Anyway, there it is. The first step to getting better is to admit you have a problem. Except now I wish I liked the taste of alcohol.

Another funny side note: I was the woman pointing and laughing at all the people lining up outside of Barnes and Nobles at 10 PM for a midnight book release, and mocking the "lack of life there, people". I have become the girl who calls her TX BFF repeatedly to see if she's "got them yet?" in reference to movie tickets. Someone stop me. There's children involved.

Days Like Today...

...are the reason why I moved here. I can wake up, walk outside in my jammies (no worries, it's a high fence) and sit for awhile. I need to remind myself of that...often. Especially on days when the overwhelming urge to chuck it all and run again sets in. For I have been contemplating chucking. But I can't. I will do this. I must.

Whoever said that, in many ways, the second year is harder than the first was right. My absence here is indicative of a general absence I had for life...save for James, and his wellbeing. There was a gradual backslide again. A getting up, but not getting dressed. Writing the bills, doing the laundry (sort of), answering the phone (sometimes), getting together with friends (again, sometimes). The crushing shock of not seeing him walk through the door eased. The numbing, trudging, drudgery of the reality of a life without him set in. I handled it. Not well.

A positive is that I see healing in James. Gone are the mornings spent begging for a day off of school. While he still does not like school too much, he grudgingly goes along with the plan. He has friends. He has plans. He is a bright spot. He will be okay. This, I make sure of.

I am still trying to find ways to tether myself. I have temporary tethers: mainly the raising of James. He will grow up and he will be strong, and I will be proud to see him walk on to his future. And then what? This is what I push into the pantry and close the door on. Waiting to boil it up on another day.

We have had many visitors in the last year. As joyous as it is to see them walk through our door, the pain of them leaving sometimes leaves me breathless. Tiny little deaths strung along through the months.

Well Golly, I apologize for the morbidity of this entry. But the sun is shining, a new day has begun and I am still trying. I really am.

Running

It's been a busy summer. Hence the not having the time (heart) to post much. Now, here I sit before I put the tacos on for dinner.

We have been lucky enough to have James' best friend John here for the summer. He is a great kid, dealing with the same loss of a dad that James is. It makes for a good friendship and brotherhood. Brotherhood, of course, comes with its share of arguments and tears... But nothing has been too bad to where John has asked for a ride home.

I have made a good friend and her sons were here for two weeks in July. A lot of fun was had, parents played Hide and Go Seek/Tag in the dark and I didn't bruise myself up too badly playing.

The pool is a blast. The only annoying part is the drying off and getting dressed. We appear to be going through blow up toys faster than anyone else in the neighborhood as the boys are into smash mouth swimming.

This is quick, but it's just me getting my feet wet again... no pun intended.

Happy Birthday Honey...

How I wish I had a reason to make your favorite Rhubarb pie. I bought a couple of green tomatoes to fry up but that will wait until tomorrow. I miss you. I love you. I need you.

Up to things.

I've been up to things. Several things...

James is no longer an elementary school baby. In fact, he's "on the list"! Yes, I am sounding utterly incoherent but the theme of his "graduation" was Hollywood. Is it just me or is it amazing to you how many "graduations" children go through nowadays? Anyway, it was fun, I finally got to see him interact with the teacher who "hated" him and I cried a lot. It is those moments, as I've said before, when his father isn't present that his absence is breathtaking. On the up side, for there is always an up side if you look hard enough, James' aunt and his great aunt were able to be there. On the even uppier side, my father (yay for dads!) came down the next day and is still here.

See the little kittens there? Aren't they cute? Want one?

In a fit of madness, blinded by the cuteness of it all--- one kitten for James turned into two kittens for James because I couldn't bear to take the tabby and leave the little runt calico all on her own. We are regretful, also amused. They are fun in a destructive, where's the Shamwow sort of way.

Look at that! Someone came and dug a huge hole in our backyard, and I paid them too! And the Homeowner's Association got all in my face, and I found out that Homeowner's Associations are the equivalent to GOD in Texas. I also found out that, even though I followed the rules and submittend everything and received an "Approval", they can decide that I hadn't. Yay for swimming pools though.

Strength

Is kind of a joke right now. I am, to be honest, struggling.

Peace. Peace is what I wish I had...

Some great lyrics by O.A.R.:

I can almost believe that you're real
And it's love in my heart that I feel
But there's something between us
That can't seem to get through it all
If I could only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
If I could only save the day
Here in your world I could stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Show me the way, let me see
Into your soul let me breathe
I will wait through the ages
And watch you sleep
straight through the night
If I could only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
If I could save the day
Here in your world I could stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Sleep, darling sleep
Dream, darling dream
Open those dreams to me
Yeah, only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
Yeah if I could only save the day
Here in your world I would stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Love, love is worth the fall
I see you right there and you're smiling
Alone in your bed, that’s my love
It's better than listening
When nothing is said
I lay down beside you here
I do it for love Love,
love is worth the fall

Blogging on Paper

When my grandfather died in 2001, my grandmother's doctor told her to keep a diary. She was a physical and emotional wreck. Not really because of the loss of my grandfather, but more because of the fact that he took care of her. On the day of his funeral her concern was "Who was going to drive me to the doctor?"

I had forgotten that (for reasons unknown) she gave me this diary when they were here in March. Was it to garner pity? A show of widowed solidarity? I don't know. What I do know is that the entries struck me as odd. In 98 entries, mostly focused on what she ate, who had called or written, who was tops on her list for doing so, what her most recent medical complaint was, she only mentioned my grandfather once. On her birthday. Not his. Amazing to me. Yes, we all grieve in different ways...but it was a window into who my grandmother is. To me, almost an unfinished painting. One who has yet to see outside of herself, and, at the age of 85, probably never will. It is funny that I found myself wanting to hit the comment button after every post. I wish that we could discuss these entries in some way. That I could ask her what she learned from the process (that she has since given up).

While I did find myself feeling sad (or pity at least) for her on some occasions, I found myself mostly disbelieving-for, on the day of her daughter's (my aunt) death she again asked the question, "Who will take care of me?" Heartbreaking in that you never really know much about a person until you really read their words I guess.

Better

Thanks everyone. James is better. At least, the swelling on his arm is better. He's one of those kids who gets knocked down by antibiotics so he's been a bit sleepy and clammy, not to mention a teaspoon or two of cranky mixed in. We had a birthday party to go to (for my nephew) and he stuck by my side the whole night, which is decidedly not James. It was a pool party (swimming in April!) and he is usually a fish, but not tonight.

Things are...okay... I am finding myself wishing a lot lately. Wishing the house up in MI would sell (hey you know anyone who's looking...blah, blah, blah....). I thought we had a hook last week when someone asked for the seller's disclosure, but they offered on another. So I dropped it $10K. It is now ten thousand less than what we paid for it (ouch) 10 years (ouch) ago. But, to sell it would be excellent. I wish the pool that I'm buying was already done. Yes, I decided to put a pool in. Since this is where we will be for now until forever I decided to go for it. Prices are lower than what they were so now is a good time I guess.

Thanks again...

James

Please keep my little guy in your thoughts. The thing that I had thought to be an allergic reaction to a bug bite-a bit of swelling on his arm-turned out to be a giant, baseball sized lump when he got out of school. I took him to the ER and he has cellulitis, believe to be from Licorice scratching him. After begging, they gave him a shot of penicillin and sent him home with me with antibiotics. If he is not running a temp tomorrow, and the doctor checks him out, he can stay at home with me. Otherwise he is in the hospital on IV antibiotics.

Why?

A Sometime Scary

Sometimes, oftentimes really, it is very scary to be here-doing this. Not blogging. Definitely not blogging, because I haven't been doing enough of it for it to be the thing that hides inside the closet of my heart and head. It is scary to be doing "this". All of this. The moving, and selling of the old house (got *this close* to an offer, but no cigar), watching my son grow and, all the while, kind of being suspended in a way. A way in which I pretend that the days will just go on and on with James being 10. That there won't come a day in which he-rightfully- leaves the nest and I will be left with the empty spaces of a future that should have been two of us. What will I do? That is what scares me. In being honest with myself, and possibly incuring the wrath of the all knowing "Anonymous", I sometimes hope not to live so very long after my nest is empty. It is not grief I wish to deliver to my children, it is just the empty...the empty of not really wanting to contemplate things, or do things, venture out on things without the one who was supposed to be by my side.

Anway, these are the things that have kept me from blogging. These, and the infernal boxes that continue to scream out for unpacking or tossing or a mix of the two.

Back to "normal"

A picture of us that was left in my mom's camera. Memorial Day 2006. These are the things that seem so gone... so lost.
Shopping with "the aunts" in Old Town Spring. To the left is Aunt Rosalie, Leonard's aunt, and behind me is Aunt Sharon, another of Leonard's aunts. It means the world to me that family ties remain tied.
Mr. Blue Crab. The day we don't bring a trap to the Gulf, there's an abundance of crabs.

My mom and grandma were down for 2 weeks after a 1 week visit up to Michigan for James' Spring Break. Spring Break comes so early down here. It was a disjointed 21 days and now I find I have to string myself back together again. It was a whirlwind of visiting up there, the rodeo down here, San Antonio and the Gulf Coast. Now...peace and quiet and trying to get my head back together.

Up Days, Down Days...and Birthdays...

Yesterday was Nik's birthday. It felt--weird-- to not be there. Poppy stood in and took her to lunch. James and I will be there in a few short days to belatedly celebrate. James has bought her something that I'm dying to tell you about, but I don't know if she still knocks around in here so it'll keep.

The days are up. The days are down. It's your yo-yo Rach. I was hanging some paintings and, in the midst of excitement over an excellent purchase made, it all became almost worthless again. Why, do I do this? This moving on without him? the crazy part of my brain shouts. It is not as verbal these days as it once was, but the pain (short as it is) is numbing...crushing...

and then...

James has a friend over and things are a little up again. I look at the painting I got the great deal on and am happy. It's tuscan in its influence, carries the VERY LARGE dining room wall well and can be paired with sconces (thank you, new dear friend Sandy), or mirrors, or whatever else I get a very good deal on. The shop is a little one in Old Town Spring called, "Harper's Fabulous Finds" and the owner is a gracious, knowledgeable, wonderful woman...as is her nephew. It is very hard not to crush on him a little when you walk in the door.

So... We're going back up to Michigan for a week this Friday. I dread the cold, dread the guilt that will be placed around James' shoulders like a too snug sweater... but, there it is.

Hibiscuses???....or Hibisci????

Whatever. I have two of them now. I actually bought them 3 weeks ago and finally got up off of duff to plant them. They look...well...they look tiny right now but hopefully they will grow (I don't grow things well) and not die and be big and bloomy and joyful joyness...soon.

Remember that flu I posted about? Well, it weren't the flu. (pesky freaking e again) James had strep. Really bad. I have to work on the fact that every illness that my children get isn't going to kill them. I am constantly talking about how insecure James is, when I am just as insecure at times. Times when my kids are sick. Or want to ride bikes. Or breathe even. Tough times.

But, he made it through, is slightly less worried about failing TAKS (dratted Texas testing system) and being kept in the 5th grade for the rest of his life... and he's playing first base again even though he thinks it's "too soon, Mom. I should be settled more..." Basically, I am pushing us along in this life that is now ours. I am finally back to worrying a little bit more about the mundane stuff. A little bit less about the fantastical kind of stuff.

We've been doing. And doing is good.

Flu and Fake Follicles

I don't know why I keep misspelling flu as flue these days. Also, I misspelled misspelled for the 8,457th time in my life. Thank you spell check.

James has/had the flu. All was going fine this weekend and then, Monday morning..."Mom, I don't feel good." Rare is it that he "feels good" on a Monday so I was cynical. And yet, because I am a mush, I called him in. And he didn't move. All. Day. Long. So, the kid was sick. He remained sick until about halfway through today. Isn't it funny, with the flu, how one second they are as sick as can be in a "oh my...should I call the dr. now?...now?" kind of way and then the very next it's all "I'm hungry", "you haven't fed me anything", "let's play catch"? I would think it was, anyway, if it didn't create 3 extra loads of laundry. Sigh.

On to faking a non-gray head. Yes, I've tinted (that's the correct word ladies, tinted. Not dyed. You dye anegg, not your hair. Old beauty school habits die hard...don't get me started on plucking... ) and cut my own hair again. Nothing exciting. Nothing really to see. In fact, given that I don't much post any pictures here that are less than 10 years old of me, you wouldn't notice the difference. Unless your name is James.

Oh, I got my Texas license in the mail last week. The lady told me she would make sure it looked "Great, Sweet Sugar!" before she sent it along. She lied.

Taking (good) care...another confession

It is kind of interesting, making everything just so in this (not so) little house of mine and James. It is funny how 2600-ish sq.ft (no basement though) of ranch can be made to feel cozy. I am buying a lot of warms...oranges, reds and greens, with some gold to accent my blah blah beige furniture choices. The bookcases that had belonged to Leonard's parents look absolutely stunning in the front hall and (believe it or not) have a very Spanish feel to them, due to the dark stain of the pine.

We are settling. Not without the bumps and slight bruising, but it's happening. On my terms. Finally.

Things such as my mother in law calling and saying,"Hi, this is Diane..." when I have always called her mom, bring a smile to my lips. It really just cannot matter anymore, can it?

And always Leonard. There in my mind. Still sometimes bringing me to tears at inopportune times. But not the heavy leaden Leonard that he was becoming in that little house. It still hurts, just not as an always kind of hurt. A little nick of hurt that sometimes becomes overwhelming there, in the bed we shared. Yes, isn't that something? Laura has returned to her bed. Different room, so I can pretend different bed.

And...

...taking better care. I share this with you now because I am acknowledging it here...to myself...for the first time. When I lost my love, I lost my desire to be really alive. One should think that one's children would be enough (especially when one's child is continuously worried about one's health) to keep one going. For me, it was not. Please don't harumph and garumph...for I have done that to myself enough. There was a time there...a year ago, where I may or may not have taken my heart meds, my blood pressure meds, all of those ridiculous meds--when or where I should have. There was a time my twisted, grieving mind thought that my children would understand death by heart failure. After all, how could it be helped? But, really, how could it be anything other than what my love, my life had done to them?

So it is with a willingness to stick this through that Laura tells you she has (faithfully) taken her medication on time each day, for the last...ohhh...4 to 5 months. And she will do nothing but. No matter how bad this living without him may seem, imagining the face of a little guy and his big sister who have seen and known far too much pain in their short lives, is more than enough to keep me filling that water glass.

...and!!!!

...I shave my legs again! Sorry for the TMI, boy bloggers!

Good night all.

Calm...really Calm.

It never ceases to stun me, how my emotions can range from craziness (What have I done?!?) to absolute contentment (I made dinner and there is a fire in the fireplace) and all the little spots in between.

Tonight is calm. I am in the study, for that's the only place I can go online until I figure out linksys and it's little flashing light of pain when I try to hook up wireless. James is in the living room, playing Animal Crossing on Wii. Thank you Santa for the surprise of Wii. I am Wiilieved that James enjoys it. I am Wiidiculously bad at it. Okay, I'll stop now. The animals are all cozy and I am thinking that I really, really have done the right thing. It has just been tough in these days after family left and my little one and I are left on our own. I feel as if I just went off to college. With a really big dorm, of course, but the first time away from my nuclear family all the same.

My cousins have been wonderful. We went to see Twilight last night (4th time for me and yes I have a problem) and went to a crawfish boil. Yummy...really yummy in my tummy. I finally have the plate on the front of my car-oh how it hurt to see drill holes made into a nice smooth bumper.

Things that are still a little a bit sad: I miss my daughter, father and best friend. I would like to see James getting fresh air and playing with friends (he has made some at school so it's a kind of good thing).

Things that are awesomely good: The weather has been craptastic up in Michigan this winter, and I haven't had to deal with it.

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

...and eat ice cream. Even though her tummy hates it. We have had two good days since that last, horrible night. James has come straight home and we've done his math homework (Oh how I hate new terms like input and output and realizing how very little I know about algebra.). He has a couple of (sounds like they will be) good friends and hasn't really complained. When I tell him his friend John is in school a full hour ahead of him (due to the time change) it makes him happy. He hasn't yet realized that John is also out of school a full hour ahead of him but that's okay, for now.

Tonight it was a trip to the ice cream parlour and a visit to Blockbuster Video. James has been dying to see Hancock.

How come none of you Texans told me how troublesome it is to get plates down here and a driver's license? Good golly lolly... But, we officially have Texas plates on the car and I will go back (it pays to read the front of the phone book before you waste your time) tomorrow and get my license. I am hoping to get the Michigan house on the market here in the next week or so. I will be grateful if I can sell it.

Off to tuckle (we've always called it that) James in.

Good night!

Getting rid of guilt

And so it goes. There are wonderfully good days, where James and I play "SingStar" or Wii and laugh and laugh... and then there are days like today. His first day of school went well. I had emailed his teacher with our situation and also asked for her opinion on his day. I got a great response and laudatory comments on how respectful, sweet and well behaved James is. (hugh sigh of relief). When I picked James up, he seconded the great day comments.

We shopped for new gym shoes (Oh my gosh, how I love Academy) and went out to dinner with family. James also (***finally***) got to see the inside of a truck cab because Suzanne's brother is a truck driver.

and...


then...

We came home. As he was readying for bed (too late for my taste) he "realized" he still had homework. How does one "realize" they still have homework after answering their mother to the negative all afternoon?? Then came the meltdown, while I was trying to help him. Everything from the day was horrible, he hates the school, he misses everyone one, no he hates it up in Michigan too and doesn't want to "break any more hearts", and on and on. Sobbing little mess of a boy, scooped up in Mama's arms. I hushed away as much of the hurt as I could. I realize, on the sane side, that this is the result of being up too late last night, missing his daddy, and not understanding homework in a brand new school. The paranoid, "looking for signs" side of me worries that he is ruled by guilt (like his daddy) and that there is nothing I can do to change/stop/alter that. I have talked with family up in Michigan and family down here about not saying even the most innocuous little thing that might make him feel guilty. Tonight, even, he apologized and apologized and on and on...until I hushed him to sleep with assurances that it was I who took care of him and not the opposite. My broken little boy is now asleep.

This too, shall pass... I only hope it soon becomes less and less and that this was the right thing to do. I have missed you, my little voices of reason and assurance.

The New Normal

A picture of New Year's hilarity with the children.
James with his best friend, John, and his cousin Maddie (at back right) with her friend.

Here we are. The first day here in Texas, with just James and I. Nicole took off yesterday after spending 1 more day than they had planned. It is very hard to see your (gosh, she was just a newborn yesterday) daughter go 1400 miles away. She will be okay though.

James was lucky in that his best friend also made it down for the trip, along with Nicole's boyfriend. John is just this adorable little boy who has been dealt a rough hand in life and yet manages to be sweet. I think it helped James with the transisition to have a friend down. Today he registers for a school start tomorrow. He's scared, but I have my fingers crossed that he'll be okay.

There are still so many things to do and not so very much time to do them in. I just want to be "settled". But we all know that that can take years.